The Austin Chronic: Ranking Halloween Candy in the Order I Will Devour Them After a Couple of Bong Rips
A fun-sized dopamine release
By Kevin Curtin, Fri., Oct. 27, 2023
Recent projections from the National Retail Federation forecast Americans spending a record-breaking $3.6 billion on Halloween candy this year. That's good news, because I plan on eating a shitload of it.
I hope you get to enjoy some, too, because we all deserve a fun-sized dopamine release. But, as a stoner and self-professed "snackolyte," I must urge you to be conscientious with what candy you buy and give out this Halloween season. After all, there's a trickle-down nature to trick-or-treating. For example, I'm planning on eating 60%-70% of what's in my kids' jack-o'-lantern pails and I already housed a sizable bag of candy that my girlfriend brought home from a Halloween get-together.
In an effort to help you shop, here's a rundown of the holiday candy I'm anticipating scarfing, ranked from "Boo!" to "Woo!"
Candy Corn: When we say trick-or-treat, we're always the expecting the latter, but candy corn tricks you into eating animal corpse. Yes, the conical Halloween classic contains gelatin, a protein created by boiling down bones, hide, and tendons. Unfortunately that's the second-most nauseating ingredient after "shellac," made from insect secretions.
Tootsie Rolls: Unless I've been cursed with Peanut Butter Kisses – you know, those orange-and-black things that look (and taste) like they were packaged in 1972 – Tootsie Rolls will live in the bottom of the candy bag until I'm desperate. One good thing about the semi-hardened chocolate logs is that, in a pinch, you can mold them into a pipe.
Goldfish Crackers: You'll be sleeping soundly on Halloween night knowing you're saving kids from cavities by giving out little bags of Goldfish instead of sugary candies. And Pepperidge Farm is aware of this practice, marketing them as "Boo Packs" where the fishy mascot has vampire fangs and a cape. But kids are already flush with these crackers, so I'll be on the couch with my head tipped back, pouring them down my throat. Why would they promote them as "munchable" if not aimed at stoners?
Peanut M&Ms: Since it's considered disgracious to hover over a candy dish, a trick-or-treater must be equipped with split-second decision-making skills. A word of advice: If you see bags of M&Ms, always grab yellow. Peanut M&Ms are amazing and regular M&Ms are mid.
Reese's: The peanut butter cups are unfuckwithable all year round, but I gotta give it up for the seasonal editions where they're shaped like either ghosts or pumpkins – which always have me, high as hell, trying to figure out how the shape makes it taste different.
100 Grand: Eleven months out of the year I wonder if the 100 Grand bar has finally been discontinued, because you can't find them in a corner store. Then, come Halloween, the crunch of chocolate-covered crisped rice with a chewy ribbon of caramel interior signals the return of the planet's most underrated candy bar.
Sour Patch Kids: Sour Diesel, Sour Bubble, Sour Apple ... tons of cannabis strains containing strong limonene terpenes have that mouth-puckering quality. So it makes sense that sour candy really hits when you're baked, not to mention they cure cottonmouth because sour flavors trigger your body to produce more saliva. I love Warheads and Sour Nerds, but the crème de la crème is Sour Patch Kids, which are so delicious you'll ponder the existence of Sour Patch adults.
