Dear Luv Doc,
Why is it that certain guys on dating sites (and elsewhere) think that women appreciate dick pics? When ever has a man had success with that approach? All I ever do is share the pic with all my friends so we can laugh about what an idiot the guy is who sent it. When has a woman ever looked at a dick pic and thought, “I don’t care what that thing is attached to, I gotta have it!”
– Lil Vomity
I feel your pain, Lil. Having been the Luv Doc now for more than a quarter-century (yes, my ambition knows no bounds), I have seen enough dick pics to make a vasectomy prep nurse blush. Fortunately for me, however, the Chronicle discontinued its adult dating site a couple of years ago, at which point the number of dick pics I had to vet each week plunged (like the Delta House’s GPA) to zero point zero. Thus, I am no longer regularly tortured by nightmares involving turtleneck sweaters, the Smurf Village, or Old Faithful.
Now, with the clarity and distance of hindsight, I realize that Austin – and the world at large – is not the swirling cesspool of sexual deviance and obsession that I believed it to be when I was in the shit. Most people don’t regularly engage in cocktail conversations about gerbiling or scat play or ball torture. I’m not saying they’re not fascinated by same, it’s just that in normal social situations, the conversational route to get to those scenarios is long, circuitous, and fraught with peril. I, on the other hand, by nature of my profession, have always proven to be an easy conduit to those subjects – a bit of a conversational glory hole, if you will.
What I am saying is that my normal is pretty fucking weird for most people, so maybe I’m not the best person to weigh in on this subject … or really any subject for that matter, but this is my gig, so here goes: Sex for most men is phallocentric, so when they are making a pitch for sex, it seems pretty obvious that they would include what to them is the most important component. You and I and billions of other people know how hopelessly flawed this approach is (at least when soliciting women), but there are millions of porn sites that would have us believe that, deep down, women want nothing more than a turgid penis attached to a faceless torso. Although misleading, their message is insistent, loud, and powered by lots of money. As recent elections have proven, in that scenario the dicks usually win.
This article appears in January 23 • 2015.
