Why hasn’t anybody thought of this before? If you’re going to drag up old has-beens like Bill Parcells and Barry Switzer, why not call Vicki up from whatever horrible things she’s no doubt doing these days. Either that or she’s a Christian evangelist.
Advantages: She’s possibly the creepiest thing ever seen on TV, so the intimidation factor’s huge. Plus opposing coaches and players would be distracted trying to remember an actual episode of the TV show.
Disadvantages: If she’s tricked into patting herself on the head, she deactivates. Plus, her significance is destined to be lost on anyone under 25.
Rating: 5/10

This article appears in February 2 • 2007.

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