Starbucks at Sixth and Congress was an exciting place to be on the first afternoon of South by Southwest Film 07. It began with a, um, mentally unstable woman, no older than 35 with intense eyes and ratty hair, who politely yet sternly asked the barista, “Please don’t let her touch me,” as she stared at me. “She’s sick.” It’s possible she knows something I don’t, but that’s not the point.
After I pulled myself off that floor and ordered my deliciously corporate grande latte, I sat at the window and watched at least 15 fanny-packed tourists on Segways glide across the street as what I can only imagine to be a tour guide deftly stopped midday Congress Avenue traffic, so her biwheeled buddies wearing elasticized shorts could stop and sputter while staring up at the tall buildings. Would someone please make a doc about the Segway phenom? I don’t understand the connection between those electronic critters and fanny-packs, but I believe it deserves closer inspection.
As if that all weren’t enough, about 15 minutes later, soccer mom No. 1, sitting closest to the window, hollers out, “Who are those people?!” To my unending excitement, the crew was none other than the Rev. Billy & the Church of Stop Shopping, all donned up in red robes and dragging their no-Starbucks signs across the street. The subject of the Morgan Spurlock-produced doc What Would Jesus Buy? – screening tomorrow at 9:45pm at the Paramount and next Saturday, March 17, 9:30pm at the Paramount – the church attempted to exorcise, I kid you not, Starbucks out of our lovely city. “Starbucks! Push back! Get out!” they chanted from the sidewalk. They broke into Jesus-loving hymns about capitalism and materialism, complete with keyboard accompaniment – this is clearly a very organized outfit – and then the Rev. Billy lifted up his gigantic megaphone on high to declare, “Children, do not shop at this place-ah! Starbucks does not-ah pay-ah for their coffee.” Not sure what that means, but I also heard the words “free trade” and “unfair.” Like I didn’t already feel guilty enough, by the time I had to head to the Alamo, the Starbucks manager was on the horn with the police.
Crazy woman: 2 points
Segways: 5 points
Fanny packs: A negligible addition
The Church of Stop Shopping: Priceless
This article appears in March 9 • 2007.