Most people settle for a Christmas card with their picture on it, but U.S. Sen. Larry “I Was Picking Up Some Paper” Craig, R-Idaho, gets to do one better. Custom action figure firm HeroBuilders has just released its Larry Craig action figure. Apparently the 12-inch toy comes with a T-shirt that says, “I am not gay,” which is pretty much the only denial technique the senator has not used yet.
For those looking for replayability, when you press on his chest, a recording of his famous press conference plays, and mini-Craig says, “Thank you all very much for coming out today. I will read a statement: ‘I am not gay. I never have been gay.'” It also comes with all the features one would expect from a modern boy, including flexible limbs. Tragically, no built-in superpower-activated wide stance, which would be this generation’s answer to GI Joe’s kung-fu grip. (To quote comedian Demitri Martin, the only difference between a toy and an adult toy? Location, location, location.)
Chronic doubts that it’s an officially licensed figure, molded with the senator’s loving approval. However, he may yet ask for royalties for the use of his likeness. Then deny that he’d asked for royalties. Then, under pressure from the GOP, ask for royalties again. Then say he won’t ask for royalties now, but will before the next election.
This article appears in November 23 • 2007.
