With any legally required apologies to The Onion:

• Passing legislation classifying all Central Texas as overpass

• Visiting shelters Downtown, stocking up on homeless to burn

• Rick Perry canceling inauguration parade, inauguration

• Kurt Standiford penning angry missive to Austin’s gay meteorological cabal

• Whole Foods selling storm supply kits of Dr. Bronner’s Soap, organic Cheetos, Tito’s Vodka

• Will Wynn starching, pressing collection of “butch” shirts for press conferences

• Anti-toll-road zealots congratulate selves for 290 closure

• Reminiscing over how cool the last freeze was, before Austin changed

Add yours in the comments. (And of course, everything above is extremely silly and false, ya dig?)

This article appears in January 12 • 2007.

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