It was February when our good-haired Gov. Rick Perry and his pup were menaced by that big ol’ cai-yote up in the wild badlands of West Austin. Or maybe it was just in time for a good tale to share during primary election season. Or maybe the hair-care products just went to his brain. Either way, legend has it that when the moon is full and the attack ads are running fast and loose, you can still hear Perry recount the time he was menaced by a critter that mostly eats trash and voles. In any case, here’s how you can be like Rick this Halloween:
1) Pick up a copy of the Chronicle. Yeah, we know, that’s almost like dealing with the press, but it’s not like you’re answering any questions.
2) Demand that the federal government provide you with a pair of scissors. If the feds do offer you some, say you’ll only accept them if they break off one of the blades. If they refuse, threaten to sue and then just ask a campaign donor for a nice shiny pair.
3) Cut around the mask. If your paws make it difficult to use the scissors, ask an adult or part of your security detail for help.
4) Cut out the eyes. Do not attempt to shoot out the eye holes, not even with that nifty laser sight on your gun.
5) Glue the mask to cardboard. No, don’t eat the paste. Bad dog! Bad dog! And don’t put it on your hair either. It’s not Chi-brand hair gel.
6) Take some of the string you’ve been using to execute your G.I. Joes, and fix it over your snout. (Note: Please remove said snout from donor trough first.)
Health Warning: Do not wear this mask while jogging. Do not wear this mask around gated communities, $10,000-a-month mansions, or governors with laser-targeting on their pistols. If you do get plugged like the gosh-darn pesky varmint you are, please have the good grace to turn into mulch on the spot of land where you are shot. Thank you.
This article appears in Rick Perry (Digital Edition).
