Restaurant competition on Feb. 14 can be brutal, but this year Brooklyn Italian joint Brucie upped its game to a SASHA level of fierce with a menu dedicated to everyone’s would-be Valentine, Beyoncé.
The menu’s a mouthwatering tribute to Queen B, offering Blue Ivy (smoked blue potatoes, chiriboga blue, trout roe, watercress), Jay-Ziti (“carter” clothbound cheddar, speck, sweet potato, sage pistu), and Breastiny’s Child (veal breast braciole, pickled fig, sopresatta, goat yogurt). Unfortunately, it’s as heavy on the wallet as it is on puns.
After all, some of us don’t have that kind money. Or live in NYC. Or even have a Valentine.
If, like me, you reside outside of Big Apple and are spending Valentine’s with your cat, the idea of finding someone to share a dinner where every bite reminds you that your dining partner will never near Beyoncé’s perfection is pure fantasy. You can, however, still have a meal that will “Cater 2 U” and your Bey obsession with a side of “Single Ladies” that will have you wailing, “We woke up in the kitchen singin’ how the hell did this shit happen?”
Appetizer
Pringle Ladies Salted potato crisps shoved into the mouth five at a time, best paired with a black leotard, heels, and open weeping.
Main Course
SurfBORSCHT Beets as sick as Bey’s.
Love on Top Ramen Topped with sriracha to fire you through the key changes.
Dessert
Dangerously in Dove Served straight out of the bag and encased in foil. The only thing more daring is reading the inspirational message on the wrappers.
Me, Myself & Pie Yoncé featuring Marie Callender and a fork. No plate required.
Drinks
Thrown Woman Skittles (“pink is the flavor”) soaked in vodka, because you can do whatever you want.
goDIVA Chocolate Liqueur Served straight out of travel-sized mini bottles, like a hustler.
Read more Extra Helpings stories at austinchronicle.com/daily. The Austin Chronicle’s First Plates Awards & Food Issue hit stands Thursday, February 13.
This article appears in February 14 • 2014.