Dear Luv Doc,
About six months ago I started dating a woman I met through an online dating service. We hit it off immediately and have been spending a lot of time together. We are both in our late 30s and have both been married and divorced, so we both come with a certain amount of baggage. This is something I have understood from the start. I think this relationship could turn into something really special, but there is one serious hitch – her best friend doesn’t like me at all and I don’t know why. Whenever she is around me she acts nice, but my girlfriend is always telling me how her friend thinks that I am untrustworthy … or dull … or too cocky … or pretentious … this list goes on and on and it’s almost comical really. Honestly if it were anybody else, I would have confronted her a long time ago, but this is her best friend. It hasn’t yet, but I am worried that her constant criticism is going to at some point poison our relationship. How do I handle this? – Bad Boyfriend
Yeah, that’s a bit of a hairy situation for sure. There’s some old adage … and I am way too lazy to look it up … that says something to the effect of “When you marry someone, you marry their friends and family as well.” Let’s just call that a very loose and reckless paraphrase, and yes, I know you haven’t tied the knot yet – other than the Gordian one at least – but the important point here is that – as you yourself pointed out – everyone comes with baggage. You should maybe count your blessings that the most unattractive baggage your girlfriend brought along is her disapproving friend. Generally speaking, the older people get, the more baggage they bring along,and that includes the ugly baggage as well. That’s probably why venereal disease is so rampant in nursing homes. Past a certain point, who has time to sort through someone’s disturbing baggage? There’s barely time to bust a nut before your big date … with the grim reaper.
One of the things I have learned in my many decades of baggage collection is that, damn it, you can’t please everybody. I give it the old college try every week and I’m pretty sure that only a fraction of a fraction of the general populace finds it useful or amusing. The response I get from everybody else – aside from, “What’s Luv Doc?” – is, “What even is this?” or, “Why aren’t you answering the actual question?” Fair play. I tend to beat around the bush quite a bit, which absolutely infuriates linear thinkers, word counters, and your overly earnest types. In fact, if you like a plot-driven advice column, this deal here is probably not going to be your jam. I’m at peace with that. Can I fit the entirety of the Luv Doc readership in a Volkswagen microbus? Probably, and rest assured it’s going to take forever to get where we’re going because we are going to have to stop every 15 minutes to pee. That’s part of the baggage I was talking about.
I’m betting your girlfriend’s friend isn’t in my microbus either. I bet she would think I’m pretty sketchy from the get-go, too, but I am one of those people – perhaps like yourself – who just can’t live with not knowing why someone doesn’t like me. I know plenty of cool types who just say, “Fuck anyone who doesn’t get me.” I am not one of them. I have forever been the crazed chihuahua frantically bouncing up and down hoping to get treats, so if it were me, I would have to confront this woman … truly in the nicest way I could possibly put together … and ask her, “What is the fucking deal?” I’ve done that on more than one occasion with haters and gotten some pretty disturbing answers. One time it was simply, “I just don’t like you.” Clearly that person was an illiterate with an inability to communicate effectively, but at least I knew where I stood. With others, after a few months of personally debilitating neurosis, I came to find their answers useful and … fuck me … even enlightening. This might be hard to believe, but sometimes you’re a dick and you don’t even know it. That’s why it’s always good to have friends who are willing to check your shit … even if it’s your girlfriend’s friend. She may be wrong, but you should absolutely do whatever it takes for her to safely prove herself so. She was in the microbus before you were.
This article appears in Best of Austin: Restaurants 2023.
