The Luv Doc: A Similar Situation

Dear Luv Doc,

I’m in a similar situation to “A Different Kind of Woke” [“The Luv Doc: Go Get You a D,” Columns, Sept. 11]. I’ve lived with a woman for many decades. About two decades ago, she had an operation that left her with no sexual desire and all dried out. So, we haven’t had sex for a decade. Yes, there are people who stick together for all sorts of reasons. We originally came together as lonely lovers in lust, but I don’t know that we were ever truly “in love” as we’d both previously had “first loves.” Divorce is not likely since we like each other too much. What I’m wondering is what the Luv Doc would prescribe to rekindle the desire? Or is this whole “live happily ever after” thing just a myth and it all boils down to lust in the end?  

A Different Kind of Bloke

I hate to be defeatist coming right out of the gate, but I’m not quite sure what to do with the fact that your wife had an operation that left her with “no sexual desire and all dried out.” That could describe any number of procedures, I imagine, none of which I’m qualified to address. Believe it or not, none of the classes in my Bachelor of Arts curriculum addressed the issue of post-operative vaginal moistness. I’m going to go ahead and lay that deficiency on the UT English Department, whose scholastic rigor I have always questioned. After all, if the Luv Doc is one of your degree recipients, how prestigious is that degree, really?

Of course, I will admit I am making an assumption about the lack of moisture being vaginal. To be fair, you didn’t specify. For all I know she might have ashy elbows or cottonmouth, both of which, I imagine, aren’t ideal sexually, but, much like vaginal dryness, aren’t exactly insurmountable obstacles. If late-night TV commercials are any indication, there are plenty of hydrating moisturizers for both the skin and the cooter. I am guessing they are effective too, considering the ever-increasing incidence of STIs in retirement communities. Cottonmouth can be a serious issue as well, especially as people get older and more heavily medicated. Here’s a fake doctor’s medical opinion: Drinking a lot of water can’t hurt, but you have to be willing to spend a lot of time in restrooms. In the end I suppose you have to ask yourself: How much water are you willing to drink to perform sloppy oral?

Goddammit, old age can be brutal. At least you like your wife too much to divorce her. That’s a positive. I find it troubling though that you’re unwilling to call it love because you and she had “first loves.” I mean, fuck, you’ve been together 20 years at least. If that ain’t love, I’d call it a reasonably acceptable substitute. How long did your first loves last anyway? About a week and half? Think of all the people on Tinder right now working their way through the Kama Sutra with people they can barely tolerate in the hopes they can find someone with whom they can share a morning cup of coffee and solve the Wordle®.

So count your blessings. You like each other – only maybe not enough to invest in some hyaluronic acid cream and some marriage counseling. I don’t know if there is a magic bullet/suppository that will bring back your wife’s sexual desire, but I am guessing that, given the impressive length of your relationship, a change of scenery might do you some good. Maybe find some new interests to share or a new project to work on together. Change up your lifestyle, and become different, newer people. Here’s the important point: I don’t know if you can rekindle her desire, but you might kindle her desire to want to please you and make you happy. The best way to do that is to do things that please her and make her happy. Like oral, you gotta give it to get it.

This article appears in October 16 • 2026.