Dear Luv Doc,
I am in love with my workmate. When I told her about the love I have for her she was shocked. One day I called her and told her everything – that I want to marry her. The response she gave me was, “I can’t date now. I am coming from a crazy relationship and I am not in the right position to date anyone.” On Friday, when we knocked off, I called her. She couldn’t pick up my calls ’til now, but only messages. She just said she wants us to be friends. I told her, “I can’t be your friend because my aim is to marry you.” Your advice, please. Don’t tell anyone. – Workmating
First of all, mum’s the word with me. Discretion is my middle name. Actually, Patrick is my middle name, but I am going to change it to “Discretion” because the name Dan Patrick has been forever ruined by a certain bloated windbag imbecile lieutenant governor.
That said, thank you. I love a slam dunk every now and then, and the advice you’re requesting is pretty much a 360 Tomahawk. After several months of crushing self-doubt and uncertainty, it’s nice to be able to feel squarely on the side of righteousness – and let me tell you, that’s rarefied air for me indeed. My advice to you is this: Be her friend. That’s what she wants you to be. She told you that plainly. If you can’t be that, then move on and find someone else to marry.
Yes, she said she just came from a crazy relationship and yes, she said she is not in the right position to date anyone right now, but I am going to recommend you assume – if only for the purpose of maintaining a modicum of mental health – that “right now” means forever. Therefore, you don’t need to call her, or message her, or send her roses, or stand outside her window with a Jambox on your shoulder playing Peter Gabriel. You don’t need to engage in some sort of Bill-Murray-Groundhog–Day self-improvement program – although it would be pretty dope if you did. Who doesn’t want an improved self? Regardless, you need to access your enlightened self, and that self would tell you this: Your work in the romantic realm with this woman is done. You just need to be a nice guy without a penis.
I’m not saying you should cut your penis off. Dear lord no. That would very likely be physically catastrophic and symbolically ineffectual. What is needed here is not some sort of grand gesture, but rather a long and thoughtful period of quiet introspection – a rational, reasonable understanding that this woman has communicated to you exactly what she wants, that her actions need no further interpretation, that any interactions you have with her from this point forward should in no way involve your penis – nor should they be informed by some future benefit your penis might accrue. Think of it this way: She wants you to be her girl friend – not in that Pornhub category kind of way but in a purely platonic way.
And there is not one damn thing wrong with that. She is probably a really awesome person to have as a friend, otherwise you wouldn’t want to marry her. If for some reason you feel like your connection with her is inextricably linked to romantic or sexual desire, perhaps you are not actually in love with her. Perhaps you are simply infatuated. No shame in that, but that’s not a good reason to torture her with matrimony. Marriage isn’t something you can ride out on a raging boner. It’s a long, complicated road trip and your co-pilot needs to be someone who doesn’t want to murder you when you make a few wrong turns – or several hundred, as the case may be. So, put it back in your pants and be a good, decent, helpful co-worker – and while you’re at it, learn how to be a concert pianist and an expert ice sculptor.
This article appears in June 15 • 2018.
