We were picking out grapes, my sweet girlfriend and I, comtemplating green or red, giving sweet little kisses, nuzzling lovingly as we grocery shopped. Nothing too shocking. No tongue. No gropage. Just love. Sweet love.
Mean Man’s Voice (His name tag said Richard, I shit you not): You guys can’t do that here. There are, uh, lots of families and kids and stuff, and well, you just can’t do that here.
Me: Oh, really? Does this, ahem, acronymed grocery store have a written policy that touts discrimination and homophobia? Do I need to file a complaint, better yet, a lawsuit?
I was becoming heated: Italian, fiery, angry, telling Dick, hey, go to hell, we weren’t bothering anybody in the produce section, nobody cared but him, and just because his acorn-squash-sized mind couldn’t wrap around the idea of two women being together didn’t mean the rest of Austin was as ignorant.
Just then: proof! Poof! The universe smiled and sent a shaven-headed stranger (he was taller than Richard, and I remember thinking, “Good, he’s taller. Stronger, too. Piercings. Is that a tattoo?”). The stranger swooped in and put his pointy finger in Dick’s face, yelling, booming: “You have no right to treat these women like this. They aren’t bothering anyone! So go back to whatever you were doing and leave them alone. Go!”
And go he did.
Thank you, Beautiful Stranger.
The update: And go we did, too, to the manager, who assured disciplinary action for our chubby fruit man, while assuring that the store, in no way, wants to appear queer unfriendly. (Store Policy states that if a partner observes customers feeling uncomfortable with any physical display of affection, whether it be hetero- or homo-sexual, the store partner may interject, for the good of the “families, and kids and stuff.” In this case, however, Richard’s own uncomfort level had nothing to do with customers in the store.) His manager apologized on behalf of the store.
The plan: Queer Spin-the-Banana during all of Richard’s shifts. Ahhh, that’s my shit.
This article appears in March 9 • 2007.