Aren’t you tired of trying to formulate your own resolutions? Then I’ll dig
through my chest of hats here and…. no, not the French maid’s cap… wait,
what’s this feathered thing for?… Oh, here it is… the
self-help/inspirational Answer Woman Beret with the pompous pompom… and I’ll
tell you what to resolve:
1. Change your filter on your central air and heat unit every month. Yeah,
it’s mundane advice, but wait until your compressor chokes to death on dog hair
and human skin flakes and you tell me how mundane the $1,500 repair bill is.
2. When possible, buy low or no VOC (volatile organic compound) paint. Sure,
you won’t get the urge to dance the funky monkey as frequently when you inhale
these less onerous vapors, but you’ll be able to remember your phone number and
the names of your healthy children for years to come.
3. Buy one good tool and learn to use it. Your heart will swell with the joys
of independence, no matter how illusory. My top-three recommendations would be:
a cordless drill, a handsaw, and a jig saw. Use your tools to help yourself and
then, in the spirit of the season and the months beyond, use your tools to help
those without.
4. Be stylish. And poverty is no excuse. Buy a quart of oddly hued, mismixed
paint for a dollar, water it down, and rub it on a wall. Call it French
country. Or I saw some candle holders in Martha Stewart’s magazine that were no
more than canning jars enclosed in bailing wire cages. Try to think like Martha
Stewart, but leave her ego where it belongs, in Connecticut.
5. Learn one good joke, like “Why did the Aggie plant Cherrios? He thought
they were donut seeds.”
6. Plant something, preferably edible (not Cherrios). Cherry tomatoes as sweet
as strawberries can be container-grown. Strawberries as sweet as cherry
tomatoes will also do.
7. Learn everything you can about oak wilt and be a vigilante.
8. Think green when you clean; polish furniture with a mixture of half lemon
juice and half walnut oil; scour bathroom porcelain with baking soda; rub your
carpet clean with raw potatoes.
9. Adopt a stray dog and love it like there’s no tomorrow.
10. Read my column and send me fan mail every day to Suzebe@aol.com or P.O.
Box 49066, Austin, 78765.
This article appears in December 22 • 1995 and December 22 • 1995 (Cover).