Of Idiots and Aliens
Dear Suzy,
I’ve been reading your column and enjoying the hell out of it.
I’ve also
been engaged in the supposedly simple task of removing wallpaper from
my
bathroom and then it came to me… ask Suzy. Okay, the stuff was glued
onto the
wall, which is that stuff that looks like compressed cardboard. Though
I’ve
been as careful as I am genetically able to be, some of the wall has
come off
with the wallpaper. Even with primer, I can’t see how a new paint job
is going
to look good. What do I do?
– An Idiot Who Owns a Home, Jane D.
Dear Jane,
As I so often say to my devoted readers, “You can’t be an idiot
(moron/imbecile/thumbless wonder) if you have the wisdom to come to me
for
guidance.” Now that we all feel better about ourselves, it’s time to
tackle
this horrible problem you’ve managed to create.
I, too, once had a wallpapered bathroom swathed in hideous
grasscloth, a
product created by aliens to drive earthlings crazy. When I finally
gouged the
crap off the walls I was left with a surface as pocked and lumpy as my
high
school gym teacher’s cellulite thighs. At the time, I was still young
and
optimistic and truly believed that a coat of paint could solve any of
the
world’s problems. After several sincere, but ineffective layers of flat
latex,
I surrender my idealism and became the embittered cynic I am today. I
patched
and painted and patched again. I even went so far as to paint a border
along
the ceiling of gold stars, rabbits, and cows in an attempt to detract
from the
wasteland my wall had become. (I swear my personalities rival Sybil’s
in number
and diversity when it comes to decor. Hosting another psyche in my body
is the
only way I can explain the bunny/cow motif or my brief fascination with
Eurostyle or my purple velvet couch.)
The final solution was floating the entire bathroom with a thin layer
of
wallboard compound and then texturing it with a funny little broom
called a
crow’s foot. Texture is the key and can be achieved in a variety of
ways: by
dragging a slotted trowel or whisk broom through a thin layer of mud;
by
splattering mud across the wall a la Jackson Pollock, or by
rolling a
layer of mud and paint on with a thick napped roller. The worst texture
technique is mixing that store-bought grit into the paint and rolling
it on the
wall. It’s fine if you want your bathroom to look like you rolled on
the beach
and came home and body-slammed your wet walls. Definitely another
product
conceived by those cruel Plutonians.
Have y’all all gone to Pluto for the summer? You could probably
still
e-mail me from there at Suzebe@aol.com or send a letter via the space
station
to The Austin Chronicle, PO Box 49066, Austin, TX 78765.
This article appears in July 14 • 1995 and July 14 • 1995 (Cover).