It waits out on the open road: a circle approximately 1,000 miles in diameter,
with its broadcast center somewhere near Salina, Kansas. Radio Hell is a place
where no cool airwaves can find their way down your car’s antenna. You’ve
driven the empty miles of Radio Hell on the way to Better Places. In Radio
Hell, songs like “All By Myself” (Eric Carmen), and “Chevy Van” (Sammy Johns)
are classics, and Journey’s “Open Arms” jockey for a place in the heavy
rotation with Steve Miller’s “Abracadabra” and Kim Carnes’ “Bette Davis Eyes.”
Built from the misdeeds of the starmakers of yesteryear (Dick Clark and Casey
Kasem, men who will surely burn for their sins), Radio Hell is a place where
1975 never really ended. In this high-watt Hades, your car will break down but
your car radio won’t, and the following Infernal Top 40 songs are broadcast
clear as a bell, 24 hours a day….
Radio Hell:
The Infernal Top 40
40. “Wake Me Up Before You Go Go,” Wham! (1984, Highest chart position
#1) Hey, everybody! Choose Life!
39. “Cherish,” The Association (1966, #1) “Abhor” is the word we use to describe.
38. “S-A-T-U-R-D-A-Y Night,” Bay City Rollers (1975, #1) Rollers touted as “next Beatles,” but then, so was the Knack. 37. “I Just Called To Say I Love You,” Stevie Wonder (1984, #1) You try batting 1.000 from age twelve on. Stevie was bound to strike
out once. 36. “Shannon,” Henry Gross (1976, #6) Worst song ever written about a dog. 35. “Eye of the Tiger,” Survivor (1982, #1) A balls-to-the-wall metal onslaught! Not responsible for brain damage! 34. “Don’t Go Breakin’ My Heart,” Elton John and Kiki Dee (1976, #1) Impossible to hear without risking flashback to Julie and Barbara on One
Day At A Time.
33. “Ebony and Ivory,” Paul McCartney and Stevie Wonder (1982, #1) To paraphrase Michael Jackson, “it don’t matter if you’re black or white” when
the song stinks.
32. “America,” Neil Diamond. (1980, #1) Remember the Dukakis family lamely dancing to this after the ’88 nomination?
Neither do we. 31. “We Didn’t Start the Fire,” Billy Joel (1989, #1) Perhaps, but this song is a lot like arson.
30. “I’d Really Love to See You Tonight,” England Dan and John Ford Coley
(1976, #2) Isn’t this how date rape begins? 29. “The Night The Lights Went Out In Georgia,” Vicki Lawrence (1973, #1)
Recently voted best pop song ever by a cast member of Mama’s Family. 28. “Tie A Yellow Ribbon Round the Ole Oak Tree,” Tony Orlando and Dawn
(1973, #1) That’s “if you still want me.” If you just “want me,” then “Knock Three
Times on the Ceiling.”
27. “Lonely Boy,” Andrew Gold (1977, #7) Makes us wish we’d never been born. 26. “Don’t Give Up On Us,” David Soul (1976, #1) Hutch had it all. Or was it Starsky? Anyway, nice car.
25. “Lady,” Kenny Rogers (1980, #1) Or if you prefer, “Lady,” by Lionel Richie. It’s your call.
24. “Sailing,” Christopher Cross(1980, #1) Won Grammy for New Artist; so did Milli Vanilli.
23. “At Seventeen,” Janis Ian (1975, #3) Wow, a 17-year-old who’s awkward and hates her parents. Alert the media.
22. “Footloose,” Kenny Loggins (1984, #1) Dear Kenny,
What the hell happened?
Concerned, Jim Messina. 21. “(Escape) The Pina Colada Song,” Rupert Holmes (1979, #1) While promoting a musical he wrote last year, Rupert wouldn’t discuss this
song with deejays.
20. “Seasons in the Sun,” Terry Jacks
(1973, #1) True story, like when that Mikey gobbled all them Pop Rocks then swigged a big
cream soda. 19. Any song by Air Supply. Why discriminate? Now playing at an Eckerd’s drugstore near you.
18. “Rosanna,” Toto(1982, #1) Written for Rosanna Arquette, but even she couldn’t save it.
17. “Feelings,” Morris Albert(1975, #6) Song has become ironically hip, like Jerry Lewis.
16. “Don’t Worry, Be Happy,” Bobby McFerrin (1988, #1) Be afraid, be very afraid.
15. “The Night Chicago Died,” Paper Lace (1974, #1) Paper Lace rocked us, then entered the Federal Witness Relocation Program. 14. “Billy, Don’t Be A Hero,” Bo Donaldson & the Heywoods (1974, #1) Cowardice rules!
13. “We Built This City On Rock-N-Roll,” Starship (1985, #1). One pill makes you happy, one pill makes you write sold-out pabulum. 12. “Sometimes When We Touch,” Dan Hill (1973, #3). “I want to hold you till I die/till we both break down and cry/I want to
hold you till the fear in me subsides.” Huh?
11. “Rock Me Amadeus,” Falco (1986, #1) Note: not to be confused with “Puttin’ On The Ritz” by the evil arch-enemy of
Falco, Taco.
The Terrible Ten
10. “You Light Up My Life,” Debby Boone (1977, #1) Let’s go with “Rock Songs with Really Bitchin’ Flute Solos” for 500, Alex. 9. “Love Will Keep Us Together,” The Captain and Tennille(1974, #1) These two recently renewed their wedding vows. If only they had let themexpire. 8. “You Don’t Bring Me Flowers,” Barbra Streisand and Neil Diamond (1978,
#1) Power ballad by a pair of rock & roll survivors. Our ears are still
ringing.
7. “I Am Woman,” Helen Reddy (1971, #1) I Am Woman. I Am The Walrus. I Am, I Said.
6. “Honey,” Bobby Goldsboro (1968, #1) Little ditty ’bout a dead gal name o’ Honey.
5. “I Write The Songs,” Barry Manilow
(1975, #1) Barry Manilow did not actually write “I Write The Songs.” Buzz kill. 4. “Sing,” The Carpenters (1973, #3) Bad idea: children’s choir. Worse idea: Lyrics that might have been written by
Barney The Dinosaur while ‘shrooming.
3. “Afternoon Delight,” Starland Vocal Band (1976, #1) You can actually hear them smiling. Pass the Everclear. 2. “(You’re) Having My Baby,” Paul Anka (1974, #1) An excellent pro-choice argument if ever there was one.
#1
Muskrat Love, by The Captain and Tennille
(1976, #4) If a song about rodent-boning can make it this big, there’s still hope for
our rock opera, Deliverance On Ice.
The Hall
of Shame:
This Ain’t Rock & Roll, This Is Genocide!
Anybody with erstwhile talent can concoct one unforgettably awful tune; just
ask Alan “Undercover Angel” O’Day. But the ability to effortlessly spew musical
dreck that will stick in memory, endlessly haunting millions, calls for a rare
quality — staying power. Wretched excess of this magnitude deserves
recognition. Thus, the Radio Hell Hall of Shame, an entity created to
immortalize the depths reached by a gifted few.
To be considered for the Radio Hell Hall of Shame, an artist or group must:
— Maintain a pop music career spanning more than a decade (e.g., Barry
Manilow);
— Compile a string of hits that, years after charting retains the ability to
aggravate, offend and otherwise psychologically impair not only original
listeners, but also fresh generations of victims (e.g., Barry Manilow). Without further ado, the Inaugural Class of the Radio Hell Hall of Shame: *Abba: Their pop hooks were so sharp we still have marks on our
psyche.
*Air Supply: Why were they so popular? How did this happen? Where are
they now? Think about it.
*The Captain and Tennille: “Do That to Me One More Time” and there’s
gonna be big trouble.
*Journey: This abysmal arena supergroup mass-produced drivel unworthy of
even one watchable video.
*Barry Manilow: The Elvis Presley of the Hall of Shame. If you doubt it,
explain why we now have Michael Bolton.
*Lionel Richie/The Commodores: Led all acts in usage of “party in
background” sound effects.
*Kenny Rogers: Along with Alabama, he led the Kountry Krossover; now
we’re Kursed by Kenny.
*Neil Sedaka: Registers pain on the cortex even today, with hits like
“Laughter in the Rain,” “Breaking Up Is Hard to Do” and “Bad Blood.”
*Barbra Streisand: Suppose you’re Kris Kristofferson and you have to
decide between hearing “Evergreen” and commiting suicide (remember now, you’re
a Rhodes Scholar)….
Close, But No Cigar
Artists who, while posting an impressive run of badness, fall just short of
induction into the Hall of Shame:
*Phil Collins/Genesis: Too talented for the Hall; too annoying to evade
consideration.
*Neil Diamond: In spite of overwhelmingly sub-par achievement (“I Am…
I Said” etc)., he did write “I’m A Believer” for the Monkees.
*Elton John: Too cool in the Seventies to qualify for induction.
*Olivia Newton John: After ditching country for pre-Madonna vixen pop,
the songs remain brutal, and continue to echo through the Hall.
*Linda Ronstadt: Mexican folk artist, new wave rocker or torch singer,
she’s tried to confuse and muddle, but the Hall could never accept her.
*Bob Seger: If you’ve driven through the Midwest, you know. He’s
everywhere.
Also receiving “Close But No Cigar” honors: The Bee Gees, Hall & Oates, Jefferson Starship/Starship, The Moody
Blues, REO Speedwagon, Styx.
Aiming Low
If they stay healthy — and bad — the following stand an excellent chance of
making the Hall of Shame: Paula Abdul; Bon Jovi; Michael Bolton; Mariah Carey; Meat Loaf; Whitney
Houston; George Michael, Weezer. n
Austin writer Stu Wade is co-author of Drop Us A Line… Sucker, a collection
of prank correspondence. He secretly turns up the radio whenever “Beach Baby”
by Reunion is played.
This article appears in June 21 • 1996 and June 21 • 1996 (Cover).