“Bon jour, Mesdames, Mademoiselles. It gives me great pleasure to be your cicerone for our adventurous little voyage into Fashion Land.”
— Introduction to the fashion sequence in The Women
WWJD: When confronted with a question of style or taste, I often wonder what Jackie Onassis would have said about it. Unfortunately, she is no longer with us to guide us through a turbulent and possibly damaging era of fashion. But, a thousand times a day, I ask myself, “What would Jackie do?” You can imagine my elation at discovering a wide range of jewelry and accessories bearing the acronym WWJD. Other people were asking the same question! Suddenly, a question of style became the style.
What would Jackie do about the seemingly irreversible trend toward casual? Casual is the most detestable word in the English language. Casual sex, casual acquaintances, casual china, casual Fridays. Frightening concepts with catastrophic consequences. It used to be the American middle-class ideal to emulate the rich. This was, in itself, not a bad theory, since rich people had nicer things. We did our best, either investing judiciously in a few good pieces, or buying cheap imitations with good intentions. No more. The idea now seems to be that it’s okay to be who you are. That is not okay. Self-expression is highly overrated and should be rigidly restricted to those who have something meaningful and attractive to express.
It is okay, to a degree, to express yourself through clothing. Wearing a yellow shirt on a day that you feel bright and cheery is a fine. Wearing capri pants and chunky shoes is not fine, no matter how you feel. The visible boxer-shorts trend is also truly appalling. Madonna showing her underwear was sexy. Joe Blow showing his underwear is not. It is common, but reprehensible, to see guys yanking up the waistband on their boxers to make them more visible. Or worse — tugging on the legs of their boxers so they hang out under their shorts. Combine the visible underwear with the low-riding baggy pants and we have a fashion nightmare.
I lived in New York at the dawn of the age of baggy pants — you know, the ones where the guys have to walk funny to keep them from sliding down. Largely a gang-related trend at the time, it is said to have evolved from one of two sources: clothing that had been shoplifted by the armload and didn’t bear close examination for correct sizing, or the incarcerated brothers who had their belts confiscated and thus wore their pants very low on the hips. Whatever the statement being made, it should have been silenced before it hit the malls of America. Who could have imagined that, years later, packs of tow-headed 10-year olds would be dressing like Puff Daddy?
Capri pants and three-quarter length sleeves are it right now. Separately, they’re fine. But, combine the two and you risk looking like you had an enormous growth spurt shortly after you got dressed. Not a pretty picture, especially on someone who looks way too old to grow that much. Think balance and proportion.
In future columns, the reader may expect sage advice and riveting insight in all matters related to style. Style, as defined by me — clothing style, hair style and, yes, life style. But it’s a big, ugly subject and we have a lot of work to do. To take a cue from an unrelated self-help group: Let’s do this one day at a time. It won’t be easy, but, gentlemen, when you get up in the morning, look yourself in the mirror and make a solemn vow: “Just for today, I will not tug on my underwear so it shows more.” Ladies, your job is even tougher. Look in the mirror, square your shoulders, chin up, and say, “Just for today, I will not combine three-quarter length sleeves with capri pants.” I know it’s hard, but it will get easier, and I’ll be right there for you.
I COVER THE STOREFRONT: Thus begins our weekly foray into the world of retail, in which we will examine trends, products, services, and the establishments that provide them.
If you haven’t been to the Citywide Garage Sale at Palmer Auditorium yet, what are you waiting for? For shopping, go early on Saturday when it opens for those items you can’t live without, and go late on Sunday before it closes for even more fabulous bargains. The term “garage sale” is used loosely here, since the place is littered with professional dealers, but it is the place to go for great furniture at great prices, as well as vintage toys, fabrics, clothing, household goods, and collectibles of every variety. Next show is September 18, 10am-5pm and September 19, 11am-5pm. Admission is $3.50. citywide@onr.com or 512/441-2828.
Write to our style avatar with your related events, news, and hautey bits: style@auschron.com
This article appears in August 27 • 1999 and August 27 • 1999 (Cover).