(Either this message was left in my voicemail or the bad dream was the result of too many pregame corny dogs.) Hey, Joe! How goes it, my scribbling compadre? Just wanted to touch base before the big one drops, and I’m not talking another UT ball carrier, bubba.
“But who I am to talk. I’m living the high life in Oklahoma and my waist band is straining. Fried butter at the Texas State Fair? I’ll pass. Speaking of passing, Joe, what’s with Colt McCoy these days? Those interception numbers are up, my man. Oh, I’d still take him in a minute, but my boys are hungry. They’re salivating over that ball. I’m just warning your beloved Longhorns. We’ve got some beef on defense and they’re ready to win a big one or at least frustrate the heck out of the boys in Burnt Orange.
“We pulled one on your guys last year, didn’t we? Texas beat us fair and square but we were in the big game at the end of the season. Don’t think I didn’t send a box of Omaha steaks to that Texas Tech kid. What’s his name? Mark my words, Michael Crabtree’s the one that ended the march for your boys last year. Don’t look my way. I’m just doing my part to stay in the hunt, which isn’t easy this year with two losses. Ouch!
“What do you think about the little love fest between Colt and our wounded bird Sam Bradford? Colt sent him a text message when Sam fell to the turf. Sportsmanship and the like. Gotta love it! But Sam’s angry, Joe. He’s pissed about what your sports scribe brethren are spouting: he can’t last a game, his arms are made of swiss cheese, his knees are wobbly. He threw 49 times against the Bears! I’m just saying.
“Did you know I was a defensive back at the U of Iowa, Joe? That’s where the action’s at if you ask me. I likes me some hitting. I smiled at that one Sergio Kindle pulled on the Tech QB. Solid. Scared him all the way to second string. Well done, young beast. The truth is that Texas D has got me worried with the way they tackle and strip balls. But we gave our kicker some practice last week against Baylor, didn’t we? Four field goals. Lord-a-mighty that stings.
“DeMarco Murray had 113 yards against Baylor, but some still say we’ve got no running game. And Mack Brown’s trying to pull one over on me with that gimpy ground game against Colorado? Come on, Joe. He’s gonna try to pound the ball early. It won’t work, but he’ll try. No, I expect Texas may have to kick a few field goals if Colt doesn’t get his head on straight. Sam’s got the Heisman, and that irks Colt. Don’t deny it now. Colt is itchy. A bad game against my boys in crimson and cream and his season is black coffee, whatever that means.
“If you ask me, that kid – or should I say senior citizen – Jordan Shipley is the Heisman contender. He’s a machine. I don’t know what I liked better against the Buffs – his 39-yard TD catch to end the possum playing before the half or that 74-yard punt return. My receivers have been playing like that fried butter is all over their fingers. Twenty-two dropped passes last week! Shipley’s a hoss. The comeback kid. I like him, Joe, and he’s not getting near that pigskin on Saturday if my boys can help it.
“Maybe Mack should stick to running the ball, anyway. Forty-six total running yards against Colorado? That looks bad, Joe. But who am I to talk. Our boys can’t do much carrying the watermelon either. I’m hearing Tre’ Newton and Vondrell McGee aren’t practicing. Joe! Is Mack trying to pull a fast one on me? I like old Fozzy Bear Whitaker and that stump they call Cody Johnson. No running game? Mack’s got a stable. But my boys aren’t gonna leave any holes for those big boys to run through.
“Funny about last year’s Heisman threesome. Tim Tebow gimpy, Sam just getting back in the swing of things. Colt. What’s with Colt exactly, Joe? I know we started slow against the Bears, but trailing the lowly Buffs at the half sets off sirens for me. Is Mack afraid to let him run the ball this year? Is Colt in need of another visit with his new-age guru? I’m just saying.
“Field goals. Four of them against Baylor! Un-be-leivable, Joe. Did you know I used to be a volunteer fireman? It comes in handy. At least my kicker’s in practice. Save me a Fletcher’s corny dog, my friend. This one may not be pretty.”
This article appears in October 9 • 2009.