Santa Claus Conquers the Martians
D: Nicholas Webster (1964); with John Call, Leonard Hicks, Vincent Beck, Pia Zadora. If Ed Wood had ever made a Christmas movie, it would probably have turned out a lot like Santa Claus Conquers the Martians. “Worst-of” lists usually include this movie, and for good reason. It’s cheaper than cheap, dumber than dumb, and that theme song — well, a word hasn’t been invented yet to describe that. Santa is kidnapped by bright green Martians and a robot. They force him to make Martian kids happy by making toys. A faux Santa makes an appearance, Claus plots an insurrection, and the Martians learn about the true meaning of Christmas after all. It only gets worse as it goes along. As for the word “conquers” in the title, the fat bearded one wins them over with love and good fellowship; as irritating as all the extraterrestrials are, Claus doesn’t strangle or even punch out any of them. Why do the Martians all have vaguely Eastern European names? Why is there a man in a polar bear suit running amok? Why is that theme song so annoying? Why, why, why??? If your kids actually like this stinker, they may have something wrong with them. Sharp-eyed viewers will spot a tiny Pia Zadora as one of the Martian brats. If you’re going to watch this idiocy, loosen up your IQ first with a few drinks so it can do the limbo and be prepared to hop in the shower to wash off all the gooey Christmas cheese that will spew out of the screen. Santa Claus Conquers Your Brain is more like it.This article appears in December 22 • 2000.