Spoofing the teen vamps vs. werewolves Twilight series and its exsanguinary fanbase sounds like an exercise in pointless redundancy, and – as this bloodless, humorless offering from the filmmakers who brought us Date Movie, Epic Movie, and Meet the Spartans proves – it, like, totally is. Proske plays Becca Crane, who, after moving to Sporks, Wash., finds herself torn between pale vamp Edward Sullen (Lanter) and budding wolfdude Jacob White (Riggi). Lady Gaga jokes follow. References to pop-culture idols Jonas Brothers? Check. Buffy? Check. Lindsay Lohan? Check. Damn! Everything is relentlessly skewered with the cheeky aplomb of a three-year-old, and very little headway is made on the satire vs. parody front. The best thing about Vampires Suck, and I use the term guardedly, is Proske’s dead-on lampooning of Kristen Stewart’s grave self-seriousness in the Twilight films. Being that wooden without actually having a stake through your heart is a difficult task, but Proske shows the only pseudo-adult sense of humor throughout the film and really nails it. The same can’t be said of the extremely loose collection of repetitive sight gags, god-awful puns, and soul-crushingly lame kinda/sorta impersonations of everyone from the Black Eyed Peas to American Idol. Vampires Suck isn’t likely to kill anyone, but it will make you appreciate the comparatively brilliant satire of the Wayans brothers’ Scary Movie series, which is in itself a scary thought. You want vampiric satire with actual laughs? Try Mel Brooks’ Dracula: Dead and Loving It, Love at First Bite, or even Roman Polanski’s The Fearless Vampire Killers. Anything is better than Friedberg and Seltzer’s endless, bargain-basement, sub-Cracked magazine un-comedy.
This article appears in August 27 • 2010.