by R.U. Steinberg
Condiments
and the Internet. My, how they go so well together. Of course, I don’t mean smearing
ketchup all over your FTP server or anything like that, it’s more in a poetic
sense; the Internet as a condiment for life on your computer. Just the right
amount adds the necessary spice you’re after. Too much, and you might drown out
the original flavor. A scene from Monty Python’s Meaning of Life comes
to mind — poor Mr. Creosote just didn’t know quite when to stop ingesting and
finally exploded. Overindulgence, however, isn’t limited to the tangible.
Actually, condiments can be found all over the Internet and should be used in
moderation, though the alt.ketchup Usenet group is not a place to look for
temperence. (Those “alt” groups are such a free-for-all.) And don’t stop there
for dialogue concerning the sticky foodstuff best known as escort to the
well-dressed french fry. At
http://www.w3.org/wit/hypertext/www/Topic1034/Proposal1002 you’ll find a lively
discussion among blokes upset by the fact that McDonalds and Burger Kings in
England charge 15p for ketchup to go.
Ever wonder why some people spell it “ketchup” while others prefer “catsup?”
Thanks to the Evan Morris’ column Word, Wit, and Wisdom at
http://www.users.interport.net/~words1/ the question can finally be answered.
The solution to the age-old-spelling debate, which is a column unto itself, is
under the June 23, 1995 entry at
http://www.users.interport.net/~words1/back-d.html.
By the way, Heinz spells it “ketchup.” I checked a bottle myself, but if you’d
like to see for yourself, Glen Smith at Carleton University, Ottawa, Ontario,
Canada, has scanned in pictures of Heinz’ famous label and includes them on his
Heinz Rules Home Page at http://ethereal.extern.ucsd.edu/ketchup.html. He also includes a
recipe for homemade ketchup.
I was sorry to see the recent removal of the Condiments Home Page and
Gallery at http://www.gwhs.denver.k12.co.us/Condiment/ because it addressed
the subject with almost religious fervor. Knowing full well the loss of their
picture gallery of condiments at Safeway, Burger King, and Taco Bell had most
likely gone unnoticed to an uncaring world, I filed a protest with the site’s
Webmaster myself. Turns out the site’s authors, a couple of students at
Denver’s George Washington High School, are going to try to repost this
important repository at another address.
Fortunately, others are still carrying the condiments torch, including someone
right here in Austin. Kel Byers (kel@io.com) has fabricated a quite lovely
House of Mayonnaise Home Page at http://www.io.com/~kel/mayo/ “This
page is dedicated to presenting mayonnaise, along with all of its magical
properties, to the masses.”
A zealot on the opposite side of the fence is Charles Memminger at the
Honolulu Star Bulletin. His anti-mayonnaise sentiments, as well as those of the
“I Hate Mayonnaise Club” are included at http://www.hisurf.com/nomayo/ Now I
can see his point, especially if one were to consider the Cinco de Mayo Spicy
Salsa Mayonnaise for sale at
http://www.pacificablue.wis.net/ranch/toppins.html But one cannot dismiss
mayonnaise’s potential benefits, as well as its curious chemical nature. Dr.
Jitesh Gajjar at the University of Manchester offers an applied mathematics
course in which mayonnaise is covered under non-Newtonian fluid mechanics.
Sound like something you’d like to enroll in? Find the course description at
http://www.ma.man.ac.uk/PGBooklet/Html/PhdApplied.html.
As children, many of us marveled at the space program and the curious
foodstuffs the astronauts took along on their journeys. Yet, few of us realized
the inclusion of condiments in their diets. “Food for Space Flight” at
http://shuttle.nasa.gov/sts-69/factshts/food.html offers proof that gravity and
gastronomy aren’t in direct proportion to each other.
Other scientists, such as those at Iowa State University, know of condiments’
importance in the preparation of tasty insect recipes. Heck, Rootworm Beetle
Dip wouldn’t have quite the zing without the 1/2 cup of mayonnaise
in the list of ingredients. More complete recipes can be found at:
http://www.public.iastate.edu/~entomology/InsectsAsFood.html.
It seems Mayonnaise is appreciated the world over, even in Eastern Europe. If
you ever find yourself in Slovenia be sure to ask for francoska solata (cubed potatoes and vegetables with mayonnaise). The less adventurous can visit
http://www.ijs.si/lit/slovene.html, but they’ll have to use their
imaginations.
Of all the condiments, mustard seems to get the widest variety of coverage —
you’d think the superhighway was paved yellow with the stuff. Did you know it
made the Kansas City Chiefs daily condiment list? Read it for yourself at
http://www.uwrf.edu/chiefs/table.html.
Would-be farmers of flavor can frequent sites such as Species Varieties for
Condiment Mustard at
gopher://sulaco.oes.orst.edu:70/00/ext/vegetables/mustard.asc, and Black,
White, and Yellow Mustard as a Vegetable and Condiment/Spice at
http://newcrop.hort.purdue.edu/hort/newcrops/Crops/MustardBlack, while the
spiritually minded will marvel at mustard’s impact on the world’s religions in
No Mustard Seeds for Buddha at
http://www.kei.com/homepages/surya/ttale32.html and at
http://www.realtime.net/~vandruff/demons_xtra.html, which imparts wisdom of
biblical proportion in quoting Mark 4:30-33 , “What shall we say the
kingdom of God is like, or what parable shall we use to describe it? It is like
a mustard seed…” Condiments are next to godliness?
If the above-mentioned Web sites have induced mustard rapture, you might want
to make vacation plans around the 1996 Third Annual Napa Valley Mustard
Festival described at http://www.winezone.com/MustFest.html But if you’re
starting to believe this rather loose association of condiments, poetry, and
the Internet doesn’t cut it, there’s always the Burzhy Home Page at
http://www.public.iastate.edu/~vitaly/homepage.html, where you can read the
following: “A computer without COBOL and Fortran [outmoded computer languages]
is like a piece of chocolate cake without ketchup and mustard.”
R.U. Steinberg began his career on the WWW by establishing the Mr. Smarty
Pants Knows site at The Austin Chronicle (/mrpants) He
is now the coordinator for Internet and online support at Origin Systems, Inc.
This article appears in January 12 • 1996 and January 12 • 1996 (Cover).