🙁 Help!
My question is very simple: WHY WON’T MY WIFE PICK UP HER PHONE?
She says she has to keep it off at work, but come on! Wouldn’t silent work just as well? And why can’t she pick up after work, when she’s at the gym or the grocery store?
It’s not that she comes home suspiciously late or I smell someone else on her clothes or anything. I just really need to be able to communicate with her throughout the day. Isn’t that what smartphones are for? She says she likes not feeling like she has to check her phone every five minutes. Which just means it falls to me to deal with all the crises that happen with the kids/house/etc., alone.
Am I overreacting?
– VERY MAD
Any time you use all caps it’s a good sign that you’re overreacting, VM.
We’re generally supportive of the principle that people have the right to unplug. If people can’t set their own boundaries with technology, they’re less likely to find a healthy place for it in their lives. Phone and Internet addiction are real maladies. Just as you have no right to demand that your partner drink alcohol when you’re out with friends, you can’t force her to maintain a constant wi-fi or cellular connection.
Marriage is about compromise, and your mutual cell phone problem is a boundary issue. Work on it just as you would on any other marital boundary issue, from personal space to finances to picking up around the house. That is, try to find a compromise solution that satisfies both of your needs.
These days, it’s easy to decide that there’s a normal way to use a mobile phone – i.e., to check it constantly and reply to urgent mes-
sages within 10 or 15 minutes. Any approach other than that can seem aberrant or inconsiderate. At “Help Desk,” we don’t just think that’s wrong; we know it’s factually inaccurate. Yes, during the peak hours of 5 to 8pm, the highest-volume users check their phones as often as once every six seconds. But at the same time, 25% of smartphone users don’t unlock their phones at all during those hours.
That’s a sizable Ludd-curious minority whose habits and preferences still must be respected by friends, coworkers, and, yes, family. So when you talk to your wife about this boundary, don’t insinuate that she’s the one with the problem – or, worse, that she doesn’t care about you or your kids as much as others who are willing to stay connected around the clock.
We think your wife should come around a bit – for instance, it’s reasonable to ask her to touch base every day as she’s leaving work or look at her phone before she checks out at the grocery store. And it’s not okay if she isn’t pulling her weight with errands or with the kids. But you, VM, can compromise too, by focusing on certain times of day when you both agree to check in and taking some time to plan ahead, like in the old, pre-smartphone days, with a list of things you might need help with.
🙂 HD
This article appears in March 6 • 2015.
