Admit it: you’re drooling acidic goo all over the hull of your hypersleep chamber while awaiting the upcoming release of Ridley Scott’s Alien: Covenant. Who isn’t? (Harry Dean Stanton and Jones the cat excluded.) Fear not, the hideously talented artisans over at Etsy have your back, unlike Aliens‘ trigger-happy hysteric Pvt. “Game over, man!” Hudson, thank goodness. Feeling tentacular toward your four-legged bestie? Check out this Alien Facehugger Dog Leash (www.etsy.me/2h2Nujn) from GCFX. You’ll never again pull a Ripley while screaming “Get away from her, you bitch!” With a durable mesh lead hidden in the “tail” and an eight-armed body made of airbrushed foam rubber, it’s short enough to keep your li’l Nostromo close at hand and long enough to scare the hell out of everyone else at the dog park. (Also works on cats and Lance Henriksen.)
Not horrific enough? The Lifesize Facehugger (www.etsy.me/2gHq4xc) from Finnish artist JerzkusLoot is realistic enough to make friends and family keel over and do the John Hurt. With a blood-red, disconcertingly vaginal underbelly and segmented, endoparasitoid “touchy-feelies,” it might just be the perfect “surprise” gift for that wealthy, aged in-law you despise.
Attention, lovers, haters, and that strange, secretive couple who reside in your root cellar. You’re all ideal candidates for Primal Hardware’s orgasmically creative Splorch (www.primalhardwere.com/product/OSP). A platinum silicone sex toy designed for all the Xenomorph Queen fans out there “who like the idea of alien eggs and impregnation.” In space – or, we guess, in your bedroom – no one can hear you squeal when you oviposit. Why suck on Santa’s crappy candy canes when you can blow the airlock hatch to your heart’s content with this completely unauthorized-by-20th Century Fox lovebomb? But wait – there’s more! As seen on the internet, the Splorch is stretchy enough to handle multiple chicken egg-sized gelatin eggs (egg mold not included). At 10-and-a-quarter inches, it isn’t just for kinky fanboy/fangrrrl fun, it also makes for a horrifyingly hilarious pet toy. (Trust us on this.) Like the site says, “Thank you for being such an excellent host.”
This article appears in December 16 • 2016.