An intentional attempt to recapture the goofy, goopy B-movie magic of those great Fifties giant-bug movies in which, as the song goes, “Leo G. Carroll was over a barrel when Tarantula took to the hills,” Eight Legged Freaks is an occasionally charming mix of campy fun and dodgy computer-generated effects work that recalls everything from the middling William Shatner vehicle Kingdom of the Spiders to the execrable Giant Spider Invasion (featuring, if I recall correctly, Volkswagen bugs outfitted with papier-maché appendages and headlamp “eyes” — try topping that, Industrial Light & Magic!). Along the way, this arachnophobic potboiler also manages to reference everything from 1954’s terrific Them!, 1978’s Dawn of the Dead, and pretty much everything in-between. Indeed, half the fun of Eight Legged Freaks is spotting the filmmaker’s homages and outright steals — which rush by in a flurry of “Hey! Wasn’t that …?”, like soldier ants marching on Charlton Heston in The Naked Jungle. As per the traditional giant-bug-movie mandate, it’s the kids who figure things out while the adults puzzle over what on earth is eating their livestock. In this case we have Scott Terra’s Mike Parker, a budding 12-year-old entomologist who sports a Harry Potter ‘do and matching oversized specs. When a vat of toxic waste topples from the back of a truck (that swerved to avoid a bunny) outside the inappropriately named town of Prosperity, Arizona, the local “spider farmer” finds his collection of arachnids growing to inordinate sizes. In short order, the various species — desert tarantulas, jumping spiders, trap-door spiders, et cetera — begin feasting on the locals and take up residence in the town’s abandoned mine shafts, which, conveniently, run like an underground latticework beneath the entire town. Before long, the critters are the size of minivans (and in the tarantulas’ case, houses) and the townsfolk find themselves trapped in the local mall while legions of the undead — uh, sorry, spiders — make like Peter Parker on a bad hair day. Scream alumnus David Arquette is around as town sheriff Kari Wuhrer’s goofy love interest, Ghost World‘s Scarlett Johansson is the rebellious teen, and Doug E. Doug is the town UFO crank, but almost all of the characters are slim parodies in one way or another. Like its title, Eight Legged Freaks refuses to take much of anything seriously, a fact that’s particularly evident whenever one of the attacking beasties goes “Wheee!” as it sinks its fangs into another bipedal morsel, or spouts rivers of green goop when gutshot. Silly, yes, but oddly fun in a light-hearted, end-of-the-world way. The CGI spider-work ranges from the very, very good (the tarantula is particularly horrific) to the not-so-great (the jumping spiders don’t jump so much as bound around like wayward, mutant pogo sticks) to the ridiculous (masses of arachnids all seem to move at the same fluid cadence, and frankly, they giggle too much). My big question that no one else is going to care much about is why no other insect or animal species became mutated by that terrible toxic waste. Think of it: We could have had giant spiders vs. giant bunnies — Night of the Lepus all over again. Now that’s entertainment!
This article appears in July 19 • 2002.