I’m not perfect but no one in this shithole gets me ‘cos I don’t put out.
– Corinne “Third Degree” Burns (Diane Lane)
Spunky old punk rock ladies and starchy couch potatoes will affectionately recall this nugget from the early days of late-night Eighties cable TV. Unfortunately, few others will: This cult classic barely saw a projectionist’s bulb, as Paramount deemed it too grim. Since its early cable TV cult heyday, it has yet to see an official VHS/DVD release. Well, break out the bleach and black hair dye, because the Alamo has gotten its hands on a fresh 35mm print.
Penned in part by Jonathan Demme, Ladies & Gentlemen, the Fabulous Stains stars a young Diane Lane, an even younger Laura Dern, and more urgent teen angst and punk rock than milquetoast John Hughes’ entire catalog combined. The film follows the tainted path of recently orphaned Corinne “Third Degree” Burns (Lane). Along with her sister (Marin Kanter) and cousin (Dern), our heroine jumps a motley rock & roll tour bus, and in a twist of Star Is Born fate, eclipses the old farts to superstardom spouting lady-manifestos like “I’m a Waste of Time” and “I Don’t Put Out!”
In an amazing, if totally unintentional homage to real-life DIY/inadvertent-feminist icons the Shaggs, Lane creates a “Revolution Girl Style Then” – complete with condescending boyfriends, media hijacking, and mainstream co-optation – eerily predicting the coming tide of riot grrrls 10 years early. Credit then 16-year-old Lane’s way-beyond-her-years brilliance as antihero Corinne, a portrayal that keeps the film from tumbling into a pit of camp.
Cast with past and future bit players, the film makes for great Eighties trivia-night fodder. Prototypical punks the Looters include Sex Pistols Steve Jones and Paul Cook, dreamy Paul Simenon from the Clash, and brooding cutie Ray Winstone (Quadrophenia). The Tubes’ Fee Waybill and Vince Welnick play aging rock stars the Metal Corpses. And up-and-comers Christine Lahti as Aunt Linda, Cynthia Sikes (St. Elsewhere) as a grrrl-power news anchor, David Clennon (thirtysomething) as a sleazy manager, and cameos from E.G. Daily and future horror darling Debbie Rochon round out the bill.
The sad saga of the Fabulous Stains nonrelease spelled death for director Lou Adler’s (Cheech & Chong’s Up in Smoke) career – the ultimate irony being that, like the twist in its story line, this classic launched Dern and Lane (and some might argue, an entire cultural movement) and more than stands the test of time.
Ladies and Gentlemen, the Fabulous Stains plays at the Alamo Drafthouse Downtown (409 Colorado), Thursday-Saturday, Aug. 19-21. Check out www.drafthouse.com for more.
This piece is dedicated to the late, great indie-film mama Sarah Jacobson.
This article appears in August 20 • 2004.