Baby Geniuses is infantile, in every sense of the word. The movie anthropomorphizes toddlers by giving them the power of adult speech; no monosyllabic gibberish for these kids. Are they cute? No, just creepy. Watching their computer-enhanced conversations brings to mind those television cartoon characters with superimposed human mouths. It’s as if they’ve had an orifice transplant that didn’t quite take (these babes are no Babe). Cheaply made, the premise of this apparent homage to Look Who’s Talking is based on the notion that youngsters possess the secrets of the world after birth, but eventually “cross over” and lose this knowledge at age two or so. (Dr. Spock obviously neglected to include this chapter in his childcare manual.) The gimmick gives the movie’s infants license to wisecrack, swear, engage in sexual innuendo, and assert their superiority over adults for 90 or so excruciating minutes. The kids also inexplicably possess superhuman strength, which prompts Home Alone-type physical abuse of their elders. Not to worry: The infliction of a painful injury is always followed by an infectious giggle. Trying to encapsulate the movie’s storyline is not possible; it doesn’t appear to have one. It’s just babies, babies, babies, all saying the darnedest things. Although billed as a comedy, Baby Geniuses is a tragedy of epic proportions when considering Turner’s performance as the movie’s villainess. She’s a one-note harridan; her lacquered hair has a greater range of expression than she does. Who would have ever thought that this wonderful actress would one day find herself uttering the line, “Get them, you fools!” and sounding as if she really meant it? Some may view Turner’s appearance in this movie as yet another example of the lack of decent roles for actresses over 40; others may see it as a cry for help. Whatever the case, she deserves better than being upstaged by a bunch of bambinos. For that and a zillion other reasons, Baby Geniuses is the best argument since the Olsen twins for stronger child-labor laws.
This article appears in March 19 • 1999 (Cover).
