Won’t you come home, Rick Perry?
It was already embarrassing enough for true-blooded Texans that our governor was approaching invisibility in the GOP presidential polls, riding steadily along the margins of “miscellaneous.” Now, given the long-inevitable implosion of Herman “Pokémon” Cain and the rise of Newt “Child Labor” Gingrich – and Mitt Romney’s ongoing challenge for Most Goodhair – even the comedians have stopped making Perry jokes. You know you’re in trouble when Jon Stewart has forgotten you exist.
But like the perennial Aggie joke that he remains, Perry seems determined to soldier on, recently announcing an effort to flood Iowa with state GOP stalwarts like Attorney General Greg Abbott and Comptroller Susan Combs – that should certainly impress the Ron Paul foot soldiers already blitzing the Iowans, among whom Perry isn’t even the leading Texan. As of Wednesday, The New York Times‘ poll had Paul in third at 16% (effectively tied with Romney) and Perry breaking double-digits at 11%.
There remain those who insist that Perry has enough time and money to turn things around, and though some of those eternal optimists are Texas reporters longing for D.C. expense accounts, the perplexing Gingrich rebound does make it clear that GOP voters still don’t know what they want. “Anybody but Romney” will eventually yield to “Anybody but Obama,” though the Republican money boys must certainly be wondering if their devil’s bargain with the tea party will end in a collapse next fall. In that vein, it’s highly amusing to hear GOP kingmaker Karl Rove whining that Donald “Birther” Trump is making a mockery of the debates by trying to turn the next one into Candidate Apprentice. As Salon’s Alex Pareene noted this week, “The problem for [Rove], right now, is that the actual people in his party seem to strongly prefer charlatans to proper candidates.”
Snake Oil for Sale
Except for the very real drawback that Perry entered the race trailing painful national memories of the last Texan president, he had every reason to believe that he could become the GOP’s next charlatan designate. And so it was at first, until he stepped on his tongue so many times during the debates that even George Will could no longer pretend he’s the second coming of Ronald Reagan. Perry’s ingrained habit of avoiding any prolonged public exposure, as well as his understandable expectations of gentle press treatment – with rare exceptions, that’s what he’d always gotten in Texas – foundered on a national stage. With the Gingrich vs. Romney narrative now dominating the headlines, he’s having a very hard time grabbing any helpful coverage.
That explains the desperation of recruiting Arizona Sheriff Joe “Mad Dog” Arpaio to stump with him in New Hampshire – a state where the word “immigration” conjures up the annoying carpetbaggers from suburban Boston. Northeasterners responded to Arpaio’s ravings about Perry’s border-blocking macho mainly by scratching their heads, but if Perry intends to run for governor one more time, video of him waving the bloody Arpaio is not gonna go over well with the burgeoning Texas Hispanic vote.
Similarly, Perry’s trumpeting of his “policy” proposals – a balanced budget amendment, the flat tax, a part-time Congress, and “zero-based” foreign policy budgeting, etc. – reflect willful ignorance and cynicism in equal degrees: Promise the suckers savory snake oil, and they won’t notice that it’s both impossible and unconstitutional.
Bloodier Than Thou
Perry’s predicament is amusing enough, but what’s really been illuminating about the race is that candidates are most loudly applauded for being bloodthirsty – whether for executing inmates, deporting “illegals,” or even consigning the uninsured to death – and find themselves in the most trouble for expressing any degree of humane policy or sentiment. Recruiting Arpaio was, of course, Perry’s desperate response to the charge of being too soft on immigration, because Texas law allows the grown children of undocumented immigrants to pay in-state college tuition (not that many of them can afford it these days).
Gingrich has gotten into similar hot water for speculating that an immigrant family living here for 25 years might have earned the right (or at least the mercy) to stay. Ron Paul earns plaudits for advocating abolition of as much of the social safety net as possible, including the minimum wage – but his ceiling with this ravenous crowd is on foreign policy, as he’s the only candidate who thinks the U.S. military empire is both an immoral and too-expensive project. Read it here, rEVOLutionaries: The GOP will never nominate a candidate who finds war and empire objectionable on any grounds.
It’s in that sanguinary context that our governor forges onward, determined to prove to any voter still listening that he is much more ruthless than the rest of the field. He warned federal workers last week who might object to his states’ rights approach to health care that they could be transferred to “some really god-awful place.” Responded William Dougan of the National Federation of Federal Employees, “If Governor Perry wants to know what ‘a god-awful place’ looks like, he should imagine Texas without thousands of dedicated federal employees defending its border, staffing its VA hospitals, and extinguishing its wildfires” (The Washington Post, Dec. 1).
It’s not rhetorical “gaffes” that have defined the Perry collapse; it’s the cavalier and frankly ignorant approach to public policy that he easily gets away with in Texas but that looks, well, unsophisticated to the national media and electorate. Romney and Gingrich are not only familiar national figures; they’ve each mastered the ability to describe similarly ruthless policies in ways that make them seem “professional,” “experienced,” “serious.”
So Romney can recommend doing nothing and letting the foreclosure market – one-third of U.S. homes – “hit bottom,” and if he does so in measured, respectful tones, no pundit raises an eyebrow. Or Gingrich can advocate a “Long War” against the entire Middle East and Islam while pretending to be a “historian,” and commentators praise his willingness to consider “big ideas.” In that brutal context, Perry’s cheerful endorsement of waterboarding seems just, well, kinda country.
Come on home, Rick, and meditate on secession, and retirement. Them Yankees just don’t understand you.
This article appears in December 9 • 2011.
