Ted Cruz has a martini, Tom Delay has an epiphany, and Greg Abbott riles up the base. Namecalling is on the News Ticker
• The only thing Sen. Ted Cruz dislikes more than Obamacare is avocados.
• Nigerian Ambassador Ade Adefuye wants Cruz to apologize for a joke about “Nigerian email scammers.” Adefuye added that Cruz is not worth his weight in guacamole.
• Here’s Cruz sitting on a zebra chair at Bar Louie. We only link to explain those nightmares you had the other night.
• If Tom DeLay is serious about eliminating all parts of the federal government not specifically mentioned in the Constitution, he should also return his lifestyle to colonial times. He can keep the “Hammer” nickname, he’ll just have to bludgeon himself repeatedly on a stump.
• Fox News describes Land Commissioner Jerry Patterson as “a Texas-tough politician who wears two guns to his office and says America would be better off without states like California and New York.” No, really.
• The Baylor University Student Senate has removed the phrase “homosexual conduct” from the student code of conduct. Gays are still prohibited from “non-marital consensual deviate sexual intercourse,” they just won’t be able to call those acts “homosexual.”
• Atty. Gen. Greg Abbott asked his supporters on Facebook to share their ideas on “making Texas even better.” Some of the ideas were great, like the suggestion to “stop micro managing the mobile home Bueness ,” or the entreaty to “push for a cafeteria type cable/sat TV.” Others, like “start treating loberals like Coyote,” seem a little misguided. The earwhig party hasn’t been active since the 19th century.
• Some of the Abbott supporters got a little carried away, calling Sen. Wendy Davis variously a “bitch,” a “baby killing witch,” “the plague,” and a “heifer.” Conservatives were never really all that good at writing burn books.
• Tom Pauken, who you may recall as a gubernatorial candidate seeking the governors’ office, is continuing to nip at Abbott’s heels. Why are you afraid to debate, Greg? Are you afraid that gubernatorial candidate Tom Pauken will get all gubernatorial on you?
• The Dallas Safari Club have novel ideas on how to save the endangered black rhino.
• Attendance at Six Flags Arlington has declined because most people find the idea of being thrown from a 145 foot tall roller coaster while being watched by teenage goths only mildly titillating.
• The Young Conservatives of Texas have released their annual list of endorsements. It’s always troublesome when college kids get their first taste of gateway drugs.
• If the four Republican lieutenant governor candidates want to differentiate themselves, they are going to have to stop expressing the same opinions. We vote that they take cues from boy bands. David Dewhurst can be the “bad boy.”
• UT astronomy professor Steven Finkelstein and his team have discovered the farthest known galaxy. Meanwhile, Aggie researchers have discovered Cheetos.
• Reagan High School was on lockdown earlier today after a student reported seeing someone on campus with a weapon. No weapons were found and no arrests were made.
This article appears in October 25 • 2013.