Louie Gohmert reflects on the Constitution, Deeda Payton studies entomology, and Rick Perry refuses to respond to rumors. Secrets are on the News Ticker.
• A Greater Austin Chamber of Commerce and Austin Music People panel confirmed yesterday that “Brand Austin” may have some problems. Although the taste of Austin is still preferred over generic brands, some old-timers are rejecting the new “funsized” packaging.
• The Texas Sierra Club confirms our longtime suspicion that Austin rules and San Antonio drools.
• Workers from Travis County Health and Human Services are busy filling the city with “stinky water.” Rest assured, that is not an euphemism for Pabst Blue Ribbon.
• As KEYE’s Deeda Payton awoke this morning from uneasy dreams she found that Hunter Ellis had transformed into a giant insect.
• The tiny West Texas community of Barnhart has completely run out of water. Most townsfolk blame star quarterback Colton Onan, who is said to be spending more time in the shower than usual.
• Whispery whisperers are whispering that Gov. Rick Perry may veto the sweeping education bill passed by the 83rd. No one has offered any particular motivation for him doing so, but many agree he can sometimes be an ass.
• We will admit that sometimes he can do decent things, but we’re still not going to give him a cookie.
• In what is becoming as much of a sign of Lone Star State summers as roadside peach stands, Texas Parks and Wildlife has again been formally accused of racism. It might be time to remove the pointy hood component from the official ranger uniform.
• In a gracious attempt to make Florida seem less like “Wackadoo U.S.A.,” a Bexar County jury has exonerated a man for killing a sex worker over $150.
• Renegade balloon sculpture Rep. Louie Gohmert says that freedom of the press is granted by the Second Amendment. Finally we know why press days at the Chronicle are so tense.
• After months of boisterous talk, it’s nice to see Republican minority outreach efforts put into practice.
This article appears in June 7 • 2013.