Corbin Bernsen waits for his Oscar, David Dewhurst flexes his muscle, and Sarah Slamen seizes the spotlight. Decorum is on the News Ticker.
• At yesterday’s Rick Santorum presser, the former presidential candidate touted a petition asking anti-choicers to “go ‘toe-to-toe’ against Texas State Senator Wendy Davis and anyone else who supports abortion at any time and for any reason.” Not to question his intestinal fortitude, but he should be aware of one thing. Sen. Davis is no longer wearing her Mizuno running shoes on the Senate floor. It’s going to hurt a hell of a lot more when she kicks him.
• Coincidentally, Santorum recently became the CEO of Echolight Studios, whose delightful films explore the many ways L.A. Lawyer Corbin Bernsen loses and regains his faith. In their newest release, Bernsen plays a hammerhead who is forced to choose between Jesus and the Sharknado.
• The latest gossip from the anti-choice camp says that pro-choicers are going to have a lady parts flash mob at the Capitol today. If true, the male GOP Senators should take a good look. It’s the last vagina they will see for a very long time.
• Meanwhile, earlier today the Texas DPS allowed concealed handguns in the Senate gallery while confiscating tampons and pads. Maybe Texas should start offering licenses for being a woman.
• Lt. Gov. David Dewhurst says he will not hesitate to clear the Senate gallery should any disruptions occur from the “unruly mob.” It seems we spent all night building a giant uterus shaped bagpipe for nothing.
• Speaking of the “unruly mob” Sarah Slamen finally got a chance to finish her testimony.
• Gov. Rick Perry will be making a trip to Israel in October to “bring together Arabs, Christian and Jews in an educational forum.” We’re not sure which Christian he is talking about, but we sure hope it is Slater.
• Sen. John Cornyn is irritated that the D.C. City Council voted to raise the living wage requirement for large retailers to $12.50, possibly halting Wal-Mart’s plans to open three stores in the area. Although he draws three government pensions in addition to his Senate salary, he refuses to pay more than $10 for his tighty-whiteys.
• Austin hit a milestone in 2012, reaching $9 million in exports. Most of those were in electronics, but there has been increasingly brisk trade in “attorney that rocks” commemorative dreadlocks.
• According to the Beer Institute, Texas ranks 9th in American beer consumption. That may seem like a low number, but remember we have to make room for tequila.
This article appears in July 12 • 2013.