It’s lonely at the top – but that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t have fun at Halloween, just like the little people. They think it’s easy keeping track of all your mansions, but they just don’t understand the responsibilities of being a job creator. It means spending large amounts of money – other people’s money – in ingeniously extravagant ways that both increase your carbon footprint and maintain your laughable tax rate. As a very wise woman once said, “Only the little people pay taxes!”

Of course, it’s best we, the One Percent, remain incognito when mingling with the hoi polloi. It wouldn’t do to be recognized when you’re trying to take candy from babies – the babies don’t like it, and they tend to howl annoyingly.

1) Acquire a scissors manufacturing facility – offshore, in say Colombia or China – and requisition a pair (off the books, of course).

2) Itemize the acquisition on your 2012 tax returns – no use letting Uncle Sam get a piece of your brilliant investment. Create some jobs in your shiny new tax haven – offering really minimum-wage rates, labor costs are truly a dime a dozen – with the added benefit of cutting your payroll back “home,” where the ungrateful wretches are always organizing impertinent unions.

3) If any of your new workers kick up a fuss, have them fired – or terminated, if the locals prefer that method. None of it will be traced back to you.

4) Where were we? Oh yes, the scissors. Not the sort of implement you want to condescend to handle yourself, so have your manservant cut out the mask along the dotted lines and sew on silk backing so it won’t chafe your skin or ruin your tan.

5) Pull some strings – Washington strings or Wall Street strings, whatever seems most lucrative. Employ said strings to attach to the mask at the points indicated – a delicate task that may require the assistance of your favorite valet.

6) After you have yourself dressed, gaze in the mirror, admire your superior genes and aristocratic breeding, and contemplate what an honor it is to be above all your fellow men and yet responsible for their welfare through your infinite largesse. Before you depart for a gala night of tricking and treat­ing, visit the men’s room and experience the sheer physical delight of trickling down.

– Charles Montgomery “Monty” Burns

This article appears in The 1%.

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