(diagnosed with Type A Influenza Thursday, Oct. 22)
1) Groggy. Achey. Runny. Phlegmy. This is not good. Better go see the doctor ….
2) “Congratulations, you’re the proud owner of Influenza A virus subtype H1N1!” Brace yourself for a fevered flush of fun and excitement to shoot straight through you – err, metaphorically speaking. Right now a quick nap … yes, nap … sounds great ….
3) Some 13 hours later: time for a trip to the pharmacist. Ten 75-milligram capsules of Tamiflu, née oseltamivir phosphate – $50, with insurance. Illness is big business; Tamiflu maker Roche announced third-quarter profits of $12.2 billion. But all the money’s going to R&D, right?
4) Grab a Chronicle – and you better hold on to this paper for dear life! Haven’t you heard about the swine flu mask shortage? They’re only doing a press run of 90,000, and with a population of 800,000 – well, you do the math! Tens of thousands are gonna go without; why didn’t they ramp up production months ago, when they knew they were needed? There will be blood running in the streets before this is over!
5) Cold. Hot. Cold. Hot. Cold. Hot. Cold. Hot ….
6) Stop everything! I just heard – and this isn’t just the codeine cough syrup talking (R.I.P., Pimp C) – that this whole H1N1 global-pandemic, hundreds-of-deaths-around-the-world thing is really one big ruse! That’s on the authority of none other than Glenn Beck and Rush Limbaugh, who’ve been calling flu vaccination dangerous – potentially deadly – and the whole scenario a big conspiracy! Rush says: “The next time you hear, ‘The government says …,’ don’t believe it. You’ll be healthier, trust me.” And he’s an authority on pharmaceuticals!
7) Time to turn off Alex Jones and get serious about the mask. Take some children’s safety scissors (the only ones you’re currently equipped to handle), and cut out the mask and a cardboard backing. Use whatever bodily fluid is handy for glue – don’t be shy, you need it to hold! Now, tie several used tissues into a daisy chain with which to fasten the mask to your face. Boy, are people gonna be scared of you!
Download a PDF and make your own mask.
This article appears in swine flu.