Dear Mrs. Early,
How many times I have written; how many words put in so many ways — and nothing can say what I feel. Still, I want to try. I want to tell you that I am sorry. How insignificant those words look on this paper and the weight that they carry are so far apart.
I thought that pleading guilty would give justice to the horrible tragedy I have caused. But it’s not good enough. Nothing I can ever say or do will bring Bethany back. Every waking breath I live with the pain of what I have done — the suffering I have caused you and your family. I don’t know if it will ever go away. Driving drunk was so stupid, so selfish. All of this could have been avoided if I had only listened.
Thank you for listening. You are all in my prayers.
— Andrew Papke, May 13, 1999
Dear Andrew,
Andrew, I forgave you soon after the wreck. … As a teen, I strayed, and drank and went to bars. I felt I was no better than you, then, because I could have caused a wreck and killed someone. I never got drunk to the point of being out of my mind, but I’d have 2 or 3 beers and that affected me to be sure. …
I have to believe God can use tragedy for good. … The deaths of Daniel and Beth weren’t good, but through it, God can bring good from it. So, I hope that the work you are doing will have positive results.
— Martha Early, June 3, 1999
Dear Mrs. Early,
I hated myself for what I did. I was just beginning to grasp that I am not who I was, nor was I, in my heart, what my actions showed. Now this — grace from the ones I have hurt beyond repair. I cannot begin to explain how I feel.
I am doing the mediation with Mr. Early. I have spent weeks contemplating every aspect of your family’s grief that I can. I can never know fully how it feels, but I do care and I want so much for you all to have peace.
God, Mrs. Early, I am so sorry that this happened. I was so selfish and I wish it would’ve been me that died.
I know you are very busy and that hurts too. I was the income for me and my wife too. Now she lives with mom and they barely make ends meet. Where does the ripple effect of my actions end?!
Your letter had a profound effect on me and I feel a little more free to do the right thing, if that makes any sense. … Mrs. Early, I may have been a screw-up but I didn’t have a mean spirit. … I may not have known how to show love or even accept love, but I do now … I could never be mad or angry and I am through hurting forever — that means even inadvertently.
— Andrew Papke, July 1999
Dear Andrew,
Sometimes people can be skeptical about hearing of someone’s conversion after such a tragic event and be sarcastic … and think that the person did it for show or pity. Well, I know your conversion was genuine and that your life has truly changed.
— Martha Early, Aug. 6, 1999
Dear Mrs. Early,
I try to do the right thing now, but when I imagine your pain — I know I can’t understand. I know guilt, remorse, and responsibility, but I don’t know the loss — to be victimized beyond repair. I know God forgives me, but I sometimes don’t think I can. … I didn’t mean to say it all again, but my heart took me there. I have to say I’m sorry again. If I did it every day for the rest of my life it wouldn’t express how I feel.
— Andrew Papke, August 1999
Dear Andrew,
I am a mother of two teenage boys and I can put myself in your mother’s place and picture how I’d feel if one of them drank, drove, and killed someone. It’s a heavy burden and loss I’d have to carry with me for the rest of my life. … I picture one of my sons imprisoned, stuck there until I am old and feeble — pain and shame and regret are there. …
I cannot be hateful of any of your family and never towards you. We are all equal in God’s sight — and we have all sinned and fall short of the glory of God.
— Martha Early, Aug. 24, 1999
This article appears in August 24 • 2001.