What do you think the Statesman‘s editorial boardroom looks like? Until recently, I’ve always imagined it to be opulent, a gold-flaked, faux-Roman monstrosity awash in Costco marble – cash-flush but aesthetically bankrupt. Lately, I’ve envisioned it as something out of the faltering Hostel franchise: dingy, utilitarian tile with some floor drains to collect the blood and gristle once the hosts are done dispensing their brutal opinion. Look no further than this week’s flaying of City Manager Toby Futrell.
After Tuesday’s editorial – concluding to City Council that “maybe it’s time to speed her departure” – we all know what happened to Futrell on her summer vacation: Backpacking abroad, she was abducted and eviscerated by Arnold Garcia and Bruce Hight or whatever the bloody hell happens in the stomach-churning realm of what’s now known as “torture porn.” Sorry, BTP likes his porn old-fashioned – on the Internet. Speaking of which – how’s this for a segue? – for BTP’s complete take on the politics of Tobygate, see “The Long Awaited Toby Futrell Post,” online at austinchronicle.com/chronic. (“If the accused were anyone other than Futrell, what are the chances they’d be on administrative leave this very second, pending an investigation?”)
So, what of the council members and their summer diversions?
Will Wynn stepped into an equally magnanimous den of criminality – the U.S. House of Representatives. Earlier this week, Wynn testified in D.C. before a House committee on green building, presumably about the forward-thinking efficiency requirements in the Austin Climate Protection Plan. He also testified on his other pet project, plug-in hybrid technology. Mayor Pro Tem Betty Dunkerley trekked to the comparatively saner environs of Wichita Falls to see family, but her summer itinerary also includes a wedding in Las Vegas. With Vegas’ secretive, ubiquitous motto – what happens there, stays there – maybe city staff should consider moving their summer work on the fiscal year ’08 budget to the casinos. Mike Martinez will be kicking around closer to the 512, saying he just plans on “going to the coast for a few weeks … spending some time with the kid.” For once, he’s in agreement with Brewster McCracken, who’s also taking his shorty to the beach in Corpus Christi. Jennifer Kim‘s headed off to our great white neighbors to the north. “I’ll be spending some time in Canada, meeting with some city-planning people,” says Kim, “but on my own time, my own dime.”
On an entirely different, non-New Urbanist track, Lee Leffingwell‘s been off in Loup City, Neb., retiring to his wife’s old cabin in Cornhusker territory. (As of this writing Tuesday afternoon, his tireless executive assistant, Andy Mormon, says Leff has no Internet access – or even a consistent phone signal – out in the cornfields, meaning, Twilight Zone-style, he’s the last man on earth to know Toby’s transgressions. Have fun coming back from vacation!) Lastly, Sheryl Cole has designs on getting out to Colorado, but with myriad other responsibilities and considerations, she thinks she may not even make it by the hiatus’ end – something about those damn kids. (No, not really. But she only has two weeks until vacation’s over; the next council meeting is Thursday, July 26.) 
Drop “BTP” a line from summer camp at wdunbar@austinchronicle.com.
This article appears in July 13 • 2007.