From a utilitarian perspective, there are certain people who would make great companions if you’re stranded on an island. A doctor might be a prudent choice, or a carpenter. I, however, have never been one for practicality, so I’d take a musician.
The first few weeks would be idyllic, depleting whatever booze you could salvage from the crash and reveling in sun-soaked shenanigans. Then, inevitably, the shine wears off. The rum runs dry and singing the Gilligan’s Island theme song gets old fast.
When you’ve eaten all of the tropical fruit and you’re contemplating cannibalism, that’s the point where your island partner really matters. In that sense, here are a few folks I couldn’t hack being marooned with.
Jimmy Buffett Jimmy and I have a kinship. We like our cheeseburgers with pickles, beer, and in paradise. Yet sans ’ritas or “a huge hunk of meat,” Buffett might get super unpleasant. He’s famously memorialized the island ideal, so anything less than a toes-in-the-sand aesthetic could be a real bummer. While you’re scavenging for food, he’s on his umpteenth chorus of “Margaritaville.”
Morrissey The former Smiths frontman remains the guy on the beach sporting long sleeves, a big hat, an a bitchy attitude. Like, always. I’m all for complaining about the world’s social ills, but being unable to escape Morrissey diatribes about the royal family and vegetarianism sounds like actual hell.
Eddie Vedder & His Ukulele Honestly, I feel like the Pearl Jam singer would be a pretty good companion under normal circumstances. He seems strong, and for some reason I get the sense he’s a handyman. Introduce the ukulele, though, and it all unravels. If the soundtrack to Into the Wild is any evidence, his uke invokes ambient noise humming over fervent strums I imagine best executed with bare feet and jorts.
Any Punk Musician Ever Punks would smash your palm tree shelter. They’d be really fun to get pissed with, but ultimately useless for work. While they probably burned any flag you wove out of palm fronds to signal for help, they can at least scream pretty effectively.
This article appears in May 9 • 2014.