Brown Whörnet
Radio Ablum (Perverted Son)
You’ve been there before, I’m sure. You’re deliriously tired, nodding off after miles and miles of hard driving, and you’ve already burned tread marks into every CD in your carrying case. With no other recourse, ladies and gentlemen, it’s rrrrrradio time! First time around the dial, there are some odd promo spots and some strange, violent, musical outbursts; soul songs gone speed metal. But you don’t really think anything of it. Then comes the conspiracy theories, fiery pentacostal ministers, and dollar-a-holler hawkers. Now you’ve gone and hit the jackpot! It’s loads of fun, at first, but then things start getting creepy. By the time the KFAB (Kneecaps for All Babies) promotion comes on, you know something’s seriously askew. Pretty soon you figure it out: You’re picking up radio waves from an alternate universe. There’s no other explanation for all the strange, warped voices and sick jokes, and nobody except South Park is this insensitive! I mean, who are all these sickos making fun of blacks, gays, Jews, Mexicans, priests, and rednecks? And the music — it’s constantly shifting. Sometimes it sounds like Austin’s Brown Whörnet, but only for a minute or two. I swear, somebody needs to tell the Whörnet that weirdos from another universe are sampling their songs. I bet they’d get a kick out of it. 
This article appears in August 17 • 2001.