Still in Dallas. Feh. But you know what? This is the episode in which one of the remaining twelve contestants reveals herself to be just as unlikable as that glossy city to the north. So, fitting.
This week’s Quickfire is a pairing with Don Julio tequilas, starring Chef Tim Love, who seems like a super-old frat boy. Ed talking heads with a smirk, “Tim Love and tequila. Sounds like a great way to start a morning.” I’m sorry, I have to do it: THAT’S WHAT SHE SAID. Chicago Chris (dry chicken), Sarah (poorly cooked risotto), and Heather (tasted like chain restaurant food) are in the bottom for this challenge, and Ty-Lor (oysters) is the winner, which he sees as redemption from the Cattle Baron Debacle of 2011.
A listing and falsely chipper Padma, who has just pretend-drunk 12 shots of tequila with Tim Love, who probably was not pretending, announces that for the elimination challenge, the chefs would be paired in teams with the people they were standing next to. The teams are: Nyesha and Dakota, Ed and Ty-Lor, Sarah and Paul (cuddles!), Chicago Chris and Grayson, Formerly Fat Chris and Lindsay, and (dun dun DUN) Heather and Bev.
Heather grits her teeth and lolls her head over to glare at wee, annoying Bev. Her voiceover says, “I would rather be paired with anyone else than Bev,” says Heather. “I don’t really think that she’s a team player. I’ve seen selfish behaviors from her. She doesn’t think like a chef.” GEE I WONDER HOW THIS WILL PAN OUT.
Tim Love announces that he’s hosting a game dinner at his restaurant for a few of his chef friends. The teams are assigned a protein for a selected chef. Nyesha/Dakota get venison for Bryan Caswell from Houston, Sarah and Paul get squab for Anita Lo, Grayson and Chicago Chris get elk for Tim Love, FF Chris and Lindsay get boar for Jon Shook of LA, Heather and Bev get duck for John Currence from Mississippi, and Ty-Lor and Ed get quail for Vinny Dotolo from LA. And the kicker is that the judges for this challenge are the cheftestants themselves. Hey-Oh! And it’s a double elimination. Nyesha v/os that this means that you have to trust your partner not to fuck everything up. (Chekhov’s voiceover?)
Shopping happens. Cooking happens. Heather bullying Bev happens. We learn that Bev used to be in an an abusive relationship and executed a Great Escape from her boyfriend while he was away, so she can handle whatever portion of shit Heather has to dish out. Such as, “I just wanna make sure, Bev, that the whole dish isn’t too Asian because that’s not my style. And I’m not going home, Bev.”
Have you ever known that person who, when talking to you, keeps inserting your name into each sentence? And it comes off as really condescending and alienating? And it’s clearly their way of communicating their incredible disdain for you? Yeah. That’s what Heather is doing here. Also, Heather explains that Bev does pan-Asian and she does American farm to table plates, so … U.S.A.!! U.S.A.!!! I’m sure every single farm-to-table chef out there is cringing. Also, Drew Curran also does farm-to-table and he is a.) not an asshole and b.) languishing in the peanut gallery of Last Chance Kitchen, having been knocked out of the competition altogether. WAY TO GO, COLICCHIO. GREAT CASTING.
Does it even really matter what happens in the rest of the episode? All we really care about is how big an asshole Heather is. Here’s the Reader’s Digest version: Ed and Ty-Lor win for their quail and split a $10,000 kitty. The cheftestants then have to decide among themselves which three teams have to go before judges’ table to face the music. Those teams are: Nyesha/Dakota, Chicago Chris/Grayson, and Heather/Bev.
And it’s a bloodbath at JT. Heather, unwilling to accept any culpability in the failure of the duck’s dish, talks over Bev as they defend their dish, and accuses Bev of having a poor work ethic. She then throws Bev under the bus for the previous challenge because of her pokey shrimp preparation. This is just incredibly painful and uncomfortable to watch as Bev shrinks and Heather, in the multiple choice test of life, chooses to show a.) her ass instead of b.) her class. Gross. Some silver lining: Dakota jumps in and stands up for Bev. Very classy.
In the end, though, it’s Nyesha and Dakota who go home for their woefully undercooked venison. But really, that’s an afterthought in the wake of Hurricane Heather.
(Side note: I’ve seen a lot of chatter on the Internet about how Heather is a fat, disgusting, evil waste of space. Yes, she is a hefty gal and yes, she is a crappy person. But those two things are not related. So please, let us enjoy kvetching about what a bitch she is, but let’s not bring her weight into it, m’kay?)
Last Chance Kitchen: Nyesha, Dakota, and Whitney make something with nopales. Nyesha wins. The end. See you next week, folks!
This article appears in December 16 • 2011.