Menu Meltdown

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Cafe Armageddon

The good and the not-so-good are battling it out at Cafe Armageddon, the new
Eastside eatery that promises diners “eclectic cuisine in a casual, nuclear age
atmosphere.” Right on target when it comes to casual, Cafe Armageddon is small
and uncluttered, with cool black-and-white photos, high-backed red wooden
booths, smooth jazz, and a metal-sculpture chandelier-of-sorts that I’d love to
have at my place. The wait staff at this post-industrial hangout is… well,
young and hip. Tattoos and body-piercing are the rule, and the service is
kinda’ like, “Yeah, cool, that’s a good choice… one of my favorites.” Cafe Armageddon’s menu doesn’t fall short of its eclectic vow either. Entrees
range from classic sandwiches such as the monte cristo to the more exotic
bistecca be-chamel, although Italian-influenced dishes do dominate. Offerings
with names like The Wasteland (an artichoke dip), and Los Alamos Grilled Cheese
(a classic grilled cheese sandwich with chipotle pur�e and avocado),
keep the nuclear age theme in focus. But when it comes to execution of the
dishes, Cafe Armageddon’s kitchen too often misses the mark.

My meals at the restaurant have generally begun with an impressive bang and
then sort of smoldered. The house salad, dubbed the Pre-emptive Strike Salad if
ordered a la carte, is a hit. A plate of mixed field greens served with a
Caesar-like vinaigrette is topped with strawberries, walnuts, pecans, and oddly
enough, banana chips. While they no doubt surprise many, the banana chips work
for me, providing that off-beat, even weird touch I suppose Cafe Armageddon’s
owners are after. Red-eye Bull Wings ($5.25), an appetizer of chicken wings and
drumettes sprinkled with jerk seasoning and served with a cinnamon-laced mango
salsa, offers a pleasing savory-sweet-spicy explosion on the palate. Another
on-target appetizer is the Three Mile Island ($5.25), a slightly new take on
potato skins loaded with black beans, guacamole, avocado, and cheese. The
Nuclear Shrimp ($5.75), a banal batch of fried shrimp stuffed with chalky
jalape�o cream cheese and paired with a slightly piquant pineapple
salsa, left me unmoved, however, and the tamale soup ($1.75/cup) was riddled by
an overabundance of salt.

But what truly lacked fusion during each of my visits to Cafe Armageddon were
the entrees. Take the Armageddon Skewers, for example. Billed as skewers of
charbroiled chicken and vegetables basted with lemon and basil, the kebabs
arrived smothered beyond recognition with a gooey brown sauce that tasted
suspiciously of powdered gravy mix. Another bomb was the Brazilian steak
sandwich ($5.95). Served on a mushy, institutional-type hoagie bun, the “roast
beef” resembled a flank steak that had been zealously pounded with a meat
cleaver. The fettucine Sonoma ($8.50) was a sticky mass of marinara-tossed
noodles studded with moist shrimp (the only redeeming part of the dish), and
minute flecks of sun-dried tomato. But most off the mark was the salmon
fettucine ($11.95), a bed of overcooked pasta studded with bits of raw garlic
and topped with unseasoned fish that had been grilled to oblivion. The
accompanying mixed vegetables were mushy and bland, bearing no trace of the
white wine or herbs promised on the menu and a companion’s side of rice pilaf
proved to be converted white rice mixed with diced green bell pepper.

A couple of passable lunch entrees kept my overall experience at Cafe
Armageddon from being entirely apocalyptic. Vegetarians will appreciate a full
page of meatless menu options, among them the wheat roast fajitas ($5.35), a
tasty, part-wheat, part-peanut butter substitute for the Tex-Mex favorite
served with black beans and rice and all the fixin’s. Those cravin’ Cajun can
opt for a “light” version of the shrimp po’boy ($7.25) served on foccacia bread
with remoulade (in this case tartar) sauce and a side of new potatoes seasoned
with thyme and oregano.

In part because of its location east of I-35 along the Manor Road corridor
that supports Eastside Cafe, Mi Madre’s, Planet Theatre, and the new Manor Road
Coffee House, Cafe Armageddon is one of those places I’d like to see make it.
Besides, its atmosphere — a non-negligible part of the restaurant equation —
is working in the restaurant’s favor. Perhaps if Cafe Armageddon is successful
in reigning in its fall-out and refining its preparations, it just might be
open every day until the end of the world like it so ambitiously prophesies.

This article appears in August 16 • 1996 and August 16 • 1996 (Cover).