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Some monsters wield machetes, chain saws, fishing hooks, and claw hands. Texas Attorney General Ken Paxton has weaponized the law.
As the state’s “top lawman” Paxton has used the power of his office to sue the ever-loving pants off anybody and everybody at odds with his ultra-right-wing agenda. Trans folks, environmentalists, DACA recipients, anybody with reproductive organs, and all of Travis County – he’s got an axe to grind with all of ’em, and he’ll happily use that axe to score political points. But the legal fight that brought him to national infamy was his role in trying to overturn the 2020 election.
One of Trump’s key “election integrity” lackeys, Paxton sued four swing states (Georgia, Michigan, Wisconsin, and Pennsylvania) in December of 2020 for what he claimed was ballot fraud, but was really just a boring old case of Americans casting their vote for Biden instead of his guy; those claims were roundly rejected by the courts. Of Georgia – a state that famously stood up to intense political pressure from Trump to “find 11,780 votes” – Paxton described Georgia’s actual election integrity as “they capitulated, they consented” in a speech delivered on January 6 at the “Save America” rally.
Yep, that January 6. The one that preceded the insurrection.
You remember.
Since then Ken Paxton has more or less been assembling his audition reel for a spot in the administration of a second Trump presidency. But he’s no Johnny-come-lately to the cause of cruelty and curtailing of civil liberties: Remember, this time 10 years ago, he was fighting to keep gay marriage illegal by signing on to a letter that posited legalizing gay marriage would clear the way for pedophilia.
Ironically for somebody tasked with defending the laws of our state, the AG’s been accused of some real shady shit over the years. You’ll recall, in 2015, he was indicted on three securities fraud felony charges. In 2016, he was accused of bribery (specifically, accepting $300K in donations to pay his legal fees for the fraud case). In 2020, the FBI began an investigation into allegations that Paxton used the AG’s office to benefit his wealthy real estate mogul buddy and donor Nate Paul. When Paxton fired the whistleblowers who reported him to the feds, he tried to get taxpayers to foot the bill of the subsequent $3.3 million settlement he had to pay out to his former staff. That was more or less the final straw that got him impeached on a real elevator-blood-tsunami of charges – 20 to be specific, including bribery, abuse of office, obstruction of justice.
But hey, he skated out of that and every charge flung at him so far. Must be doing something right! So this Halloween, why not tap into your own inner evil henchman and don a Paxy Masky for maximum frights. Here’s how to get into character:
1) You’re gonna need our newspaper, and that’s gonna require transportation to a newsstand. And that’s gonna require a car, because Pax lives in the pocket of the oil lobby and doesn’t want us to have trains. Take inspiration from Paxton’s escape from the process servers, when his wife drove a getaway car to help him avoid being served a subpoena. Or, if that doesn’t sound right, call Uber. But use a fake name. We recommend something generic – Dave P., say – just like in the old days when Pax was (allegedly) visiting his mistress and (allegedly) using the powers of his office to strengthen their affair.
2) Perhaps, like Paxton, you’re weird about gay stuff, so once you have this paper in your hands, just avoid all the pages after this one. We wouldn’t want you to get cooties from confronting stories about queer joy or the very real terror of being targeted by your own government.
3) Grab some scissors and cut around your face. Move fast, because every second you waste is less time you can spend on suing teachers and doctors and parents and other states.
4) But you know what? Let’s overlook the eyeholes. Once you really start to embody the soulsickness of KP, you’re not going to want to look at yourself in the mirror anyway.
5) Time for some string. The one Trump’s been puppeteering you with won’t work. You’ll need just some plain loose string to tie this thing to your face.
6) Now look for the most vulnerable people around you and get to work intimidating them and rolling over their bodily autonomy.
7) Congratulations. Your transformation is complete.
Find more on Ken Paxton’s villainous litigiousness in our print issue or right here.
This article appears in November 1 • 2024.