While Andy’s out there picking himself, I’m going to fill it up with some random, scattered thoughts about my favorite and not-so-favorite sporting clubs, endeavors, and memories.
Factoid: The Dallas Cowboys were my favorite team until I was eight, but I switched to the smarmy, yet seaworthy, Tampa Bay Buccaneers. The reasons for my about-face are varied, yet well conveived, if even for 1979 standards.
I recount them for you now:
1) Lee Roy and Dewey Selmon. These two brutish behemoths played for the University of Oklahoma football teams of the mid-Seventies. I am from Norman, Oklahoma, they’re from Eufala, which is within a reasonable proximity to Lake Eufala, which is why I think the Bucs used their first two draft picks ever on the Selmon Brothers. I think they enjoy being close to large bodies of water. Not unlike Tampa Bay, if you get my drift. Dewey took me into his closet once and let me try on his uniform. There’s a third brother named Lucious.
2) The Tampa Bay Buccaneers were really good in 1979. They were horrible before, and they’ve been abysmal since. They lost 10 or more games every season from 1983-1995. That’s an NFL record!
3) Orange. I gravitate to it. My favorite NBA franchise has always been the Phoenix Suns, and I adored the C�sar Cede�o/J.R. Richard blow-pop regime of the Houston Astros in the late Seventies. Find it odd that I also passionately hate two primarily orange teams: the University of Texas and Oklahoma State University. Orange: I gravitate to it, yet away from it.
In retrospect, my rationale seems outdated: The Selmons are retired, the Buccaneers have shamed the NFL for many years, and they recently unveiled their new pewter uniforms. “It’s the color of booty,” their PR lady said. Garrrr…
Ben, Tim, and I were thinking of linking in the morning, but we decided against it because it’s too complicated. These things take lots of organization, i.e., the last time we mashed and niblicked we set some kind of record for recycling aluminum cans. (The secret is to drink the beer first, thus making the cans lighter and easier to carry.)
My three or four thousand baseball and football cards were burgled from the shed a few months ago. Who remembers Richard Todd and James Wilder? Four ate two ate two nine eight David Wingo. That’s who. He remembers all those old Plunkettesque freaks of the late Seventies and early Eighties. He purports to having a Tampa Bay Buccaneers sweatshirt to bequeath upon my wary soul. I can’t wait. Bucs paraphernalia is predictably scarce.
Now I think it’s time to feed the beast (and angst my predecessor/successor Andy “Coach” Cotton) by plainly stating: UT sucks. I hate them with a raving maniacalism which only tried and true sports fans know. I hate them like my grandmother hates Auburn. She won’t even talk to people who like Auburn. I live in Austin. Among you. Observing you and your petty fandom. Taking notes for my first novel, Boomer Sooner: I Studied You Like Apes.
To all UT fans: The OU/UT basketball game at the Erwin Center this year was interesting. Someone called me a faggot and threw a dirty napkin on my head because I clapped for my team. At the OU/UT baseball game a few weeks ago, the Texas catcher pushed one of our guys in the back, starting one of those famed Red River Riots. Later, the Texas fans cheered when our catcher got hurt on a courageous, gamey play at home plate in the bottom of the eighth. I’ve asked myself why you people want to treat others so unjustly and have no answer. Search within yourselves for the truth.
The basketball playoffs have been more interesting this year with so many ex-Sooners on the court. Harvey Grant, Mookie Blaylock, and Wayman Tisdale all made it this year. I don’t recall seeing any UT guys.
Lee Nichols wants me to mention the fact that the University of Oklahoma is favored to win the mile relay at the NCAA track championships in Bloomington, Indiana. Lee says, “There’s three Jamaicans on the team, and coming to Oklahoma from Jamaica must be a real let-down.” Lee, what are UT’s chances in the relay? “Not very good,” says the UT alum. Maybe it’s because UT sucks.
I know, I know. You don’t suck. You won the Big 12 football title and you won the south (suckier, albeit Soonered) half of the league basketball circuit. You went all the way to defeat Coppin State and lose in the Sweet Sixteen. The Ides of Texas are upon you. Enjoy it while it lasts.
Nick Barbaro stands generally depressed about the state of the Galaxy. A big fog of anti-matter that’s sucking the life out of the Milky Way… or some pro soccer team from L.A. that can’t score any goals. I think it’s a combination of both, really, because of the universal life force which demands their coexistence.
We’re all pretty pissed that Mookie Blaylock and Nick Van Exel got screwed on the unwritten “I’m a Superstar” NBA foul policy the other night in some tight playoff road games… speaking of heady dawgs:
Ben Plimpton wants to send mad love vibes to Rick Pitino and da Celts in Baaahston. He openly hopes they make a free agent move in the off-season to beef up their frontcourt by acquiring Duane Causwell.
Coach, thankfully, will return next week.
This article appears in May 9 • 1997 and May 9 • 1997 (Cover).