Luv Doc,
My 12-year-old daughter has been begging me to let her go to her school Halloween carnival (and trick or treating) as Miley Cyrus – specifically in her teddy bear twerking outfit from MTV. I know she is just trying to be funny but Miley is just gross and I don’t want other parents thinking I approve of her singing or her “dancing.” Should I give in or should I just say no?
– Mama Cyrus
Technically, Miley’s twerking outfit was a flesh-toned latex bra and panties, a foam finger with red nail polish, and a pair of TUK Creeper shoes. You can get the foam finger for about $10 on Amazon, the shoes will set you back $75, and the latex bra and panties will run you another $300. So, all told, if your daughter wants to do it right, she’s looking at nearly $400.
Now, while I would argue that a 12-year-old parodying a 20-year-old ex-Disney star is adorable (especially if the ex-Disney star’s father used to unironically rock a full-on Kentucky waterfall while singing the worst song in the entire history of country music) I would personally have to shoot down this costume solely for economic reasons. No 12-year-old should get to spend more than $50 on a Halloween costume, much less $400. You fucking hear me Brangelina? That shit is ridiculous. Buy a sheet. Cut some fucking holes in it.
However, Mama C., your daughter might be a phenomenal seamstress who can do magical things with flesh-colored latex on a really tight budget. If so, first have her give me a call. I have some design ideas I’ve been kicking around. Then, explain to her that although Miley Cyrus’ outfit and performance at the VMAs were riveting in a prurient, demolition derby kind of way (and therefore true marketing genius), they were also a pitiable affront to modern feminist values. The notion that overt sexuality is the primary indicator of female maturity is sadly misguided, but what the hell, nobody expected Hannah Montana to turn into Hannah Arendt, did they?
As Miley would surely tell you, drawing attention to yourself is risky business. You need a very strong sense of identity and a really thick skin and even then things can backfire horribly. Intentions, being inevitably unspoken, get misunderstood and your incredibly witty attempt at satire gets taken literally – at least that’s the only way I can reasonably explain Paris Hilton.
So is your daughter sophisticated enough to pull off a parody of Miley Cyrus at the VMAs? Is she smart enough to know what it is she’s parodying? If you feel confident she is, then by all means, tell her to go for it. Otherwise, tell her to get a sheet and cut some fucking holes in it.
This article appears in Ted-dy Cruz-er.
