Luvdoc,
I have a friend who is in a horrible relationship with a guy who treats her like shit. Every time I see her all she wants to do is vent about her problems with him. I have given her all the advice I can, but she never listens. I feel like her ruined relationship is ruining our relationship. Would I be unsupportive if I tell her I can’t take it anymore?
– Up to Here
Yes, you would, but the friend you would be unsupporting is a whiny sad sack who sucks your soul through a wormhole of despair to an alternate universe of depression and loathing. By listening to her whine about her horrible relationship, you are essentially telling her it’s OK to do so. Gross. She now thinks you’re the kind of chump who has nothing better to do than to be her whine bucket, which is the emotional and spiritual equivalent of holding someone’s hair back when they vom. Yes, of course that’s what friends do, but if you end up holding someone’s hair back every time you go drinking with them, chances are you’re going to stop drinking with them entirely – especially if they are vomiting in your face, which is an apt metaphor for what your friend is doing.
Now, I will allow that there are probably certain types who actually get off on being vomit buckets – who like to catch the vomit, smear it around on themselves, and then go share it with other people and say, “Look at me! Look at me! I am such a good friend to this person that she feels comfortable enough with our relationship to vomit on me.” However, from your question it appears that you’re not really into that scene.
So let me ask you this: If you go out on a date with a really nice, cute guy and at the end of the night he asks if you want to go back to his apartment so he can handcuff you to his bedposts then pee in your face, what do you say? I’m sure it’s a hard yes if it’s the Baby Goose, but say it’s someone who looks more like James Franco and his moustache is extra thin? Yeah, you’re maybe going to want to find a way to express to him as gently and compassionately as you can that you’re uncomfortable with being a urinal. Besides, it’s a slippery slope: You start out trying not to hurt someone’s feelings and next thing you know you’re making Two Girls One Cup.
That’s why it’s really important to clearly communicate your needs – not only with your friend, but with everyone in your life. Learning to communicate hard truths is very difficult business, but after a while you’ll develop a certain amount of finesse, and you’ll be much happier for it. Start by telling your friend that while you’re willing to hold her hair back every once in a while, it would be wrong of you to do it all the time – both for you and for her.
This article appears in May 31 • 2013.
