Dear Luv Doc,
In the throes of passion with copulation imminent, when is the perfect time to bring out, unwrap, and don the prophylactic to enhance the romance?
– Mofo
Copulation imminent. There’s a sticky wicket. There are countless instances when copulation seems imminent but is in fact, not at all imminent. Awk. In the right context – actually in most contexts – whipping out and cracking open a condom is tantamount to whipping out your Johnson. It’s a bold, decisive move that requires a lot of data points. You can’t just say, “You nibbled on my ear and Mr. Happy said it’s go time.” It’s true that an ear nibble can short-circuit the cerebral cortex entirely and move command and control south of the border, but an ear nibble alone is not a solid basis for a full frontal assault. In fact, if you can wrestle your brain back from your downstairs neighbor, you can use it to understand that in the conversation about whether or not you’re about to have sex, your penis should have absolutely no say in the matter. It’s not a data point. It’s not even a data semi.
Don’t get me wrong, the assumptive close has its place – mainly in used car sales, crack deals, and shady real estate transactions, but when it comes to sex, it’s a little rapey. Sex is more of a conversation … a give and take … a thrust and parry. Easy with the thrusting there, tough guy. You need to communicate with your partner, and while cracking open a Magnum shortly after your hand brushes her erect nipple definitely says a lot, it may be communicating the wrong thing. Yes, confidence is sexy – but overconfidence is douchey. Know the difference. Confidence means being able to communicate with your partner and achieve at least a consensus if not outright coitus.
So, when is the perfect time to bring out, unwrap, and don the prophylactic? Sadly, there really isn’t one. Rubbers, although useful and potentially life-saving, are a real pain in the ass. (No, that wasn’t a gay joke.) No matter how many “just have fun with it” instructional videos you watch, opening and putting on a rubber can be a real romance killer. The dulled sensation … the precious lost minutes trying to gnaw through the condom wrapper with your teeth … the post-coital jizzbag. “Keep this as a memento of our night together.”
Yeah, no. That doesn’t enhance the romance. What does, however, is showing that you’re responsible enough to use a condom – that your big head is in control of your little one. So really, the best time to take out your condom is shortly after you take out your Johnson – ideally before it can do (or sustain) any damage. Yes, there will be a pause in the action, but maybe that isn’t such a bad thing.
This article appears in May 23 • 2014.
