Dear Luv Doc,
Wouldn’t it be awesome if men spent as much energy trying to be attractive as women do?
– Kitty
Ever been to a gym, Kitty? The amount of energy expended by men in the Sisyphean pursuit of a perfect physique would give the robots from The Matrix major wood … or titanium … or whatever it is that robots might use to manufacture robot penises. I think it’s safe to say that if robots ever become sentient beings, at some point they’re going to find it fashionable to accessorize with retro human genitalia. You know, sort of like how kids today buy vinyl records. An essential part of being a sentient human being is having a healthy sense of irony, don’t you think? Otherwise all the robots would become suicidal, and you’ve got to think that the success rate of suicidal robots would be close to 100%.
Anyway, if you have ever seen some red-faced musclehead deadlift 450, you might add some variables to your energy equation. There are plenty of men who spend a Herculean amount of energy trying to be attractive … and not all of them hang out at Oilcan’s. No, the male approach to attraction is a bit more subtle than that, but certainly as prevalent. Spend a night at the Mohawk or Liberty. If you pay attention, you will notice there is quite a bit of energy being expended on carefully cultivating a look of masculine nonchalance. A lot of them fail miserably at the nonchalance part, but you have to give them credit for trying.
In the Nineties, men who cared a bit too much about their looks were somewhat derogatorily termed “metrosexuals” for what was considered an unmasculine attention to their appearance. Nowadays these same type of guys have attempted to put a masculine spin on metrosexuality. Thus, we have “lumbersexuals” and their Southwestern counterparts, “cowboysexuals.” There may be some other regional variants … maybe farmersexuals exist somewhere up in the Midwest, and surely there are plenty of surfersexuals out on the West Coast, but the point is, they are all working a look.
When it comes to taking care of appearances, there are basically three types of guys:
1) The guy who cares about how he looks and doesn’t care if anybody knows it. He is comfortable in his masculinity – or maybe doesn’t care about masculinity at all. His socks match. His nails are clipped. His hair is combed. He doesn’t have monkeys in his tree. He smells fucking magnificent and dresses impeccably.
2) The guy who cares about how he looks but acts like he doesn’t. He has a moderately groomed beard, maybe some nose hair, wears old boots or old Chucks or a well-chosen ironic T-shirt with a few holes in it, and smells like he is experimenting with alternatives to deodorant and/or shampoo, but is willing to adjust if things get too funky. Basically he is a well-curated copy of the third kind of guy.
3) The guy who actually does not give a shit how he looks: Crocs, cutoff sweatpants, shirts with huge stains, and a beard that segues into neck hair, then chest hair, then a trail of unkempt foliage that runs down to his toes. He smells like a homeless person and he might actually be. These guys are relatively rare, but are an inspiration to every male who finds it annoying or emasculating to have to keep up appearances in order to get laid, which, by the way, is the only reason guys keep up appearances at all. That’s a powerful motivation, Kitty, but if you come up with a better one, by all means, let us know.
This article appears in August 7 • 2015.
