Dear Luv Doc,
My B says I should W my P. I told him I would W my P if he would W his D. Now he’s mad at me and says that I am being a B, but really, he is being a D, don’t you agree?
– Ms. HAP
I have to say Ms. HAP, that in my many, many years of being an AC, I have never seen such an impressive mixture of poetry and brevity in an advice-seeker’s missive. Were there an award to give I would give it – especially since awards these days are handed out like condoms during Pride Week. I am not saying condoms shouldn’t be given out during Pride Week, I am just saying their ubiquity during that time frame makes them somewhat less special. Now, if there was a float full of Catholic priests in assless chaps throwing out condoms during an Easter parade, that would be something special! It would certainly help lighten the mood after seeing a bloody, crown-of-thorns-wearing fake Jesus dragging a not-quite-life-sized replica crucifix. They may breed like bunnies, but the Catholics sure do know how to ruin a pagan fertility ritual.
Don’t be getting all high and mighty with me. You know I’m right. Religions – especially those emanating from the general region known as the Fertile Crescent – seem to have a weird and unhealthy relationship with sex. Who knows? It might have all started innocently enough. The Sumerians were cranking out respectable porn 4,000 years before the birth of Jesus, but somewhere down the line some ecclesiastic genius thought that the whole God-made-flesh plotline was more sellable if baby J’s mom didn’t get that ass tapped by a smelly humanoid. Yeah, no, that makes sense. We should put that in the Gutenberg. The Hindus are going to eat that shit up … probably … once they’re finished with their multiple Kama Sutra orgasms and wallowing in the inevitable shame that is sure to follow.
Now, having meandered through the preceding, you might think I am about to take a hard line of the patriarchy, and you would be right. Your boyfriend is out of his fucking M if he thinks your hairlessness is more crucial than his, and yes, getting mad that you won’t wax when he won’t wax is truly a dick move – and by that I mean the bad kind of dick and not the good kind of dick. I mean, can we at least agree that there are some good dick moves? Otherwise, why are there so many Pride Week condoms – aka “Trojan rain”?
Perhaps your boyfriend doesn’t know that you’re just as likely to get a pube stuck on your teeth while giving a blowjob as he is when performing cunnilingus. Worse yet is when you get one stuck in the back of your throat and have to make that unattractive “acckk, aaaccck” gagging sound just as your partner is about to climax. #moodkiller #coitusinterruptus Even if you say, “It’s OK, it’s OK, just hang on a sec. I almost got it.” It’s not OK. Even if you get it. Don’t get me wrong, the show must go on, but is your heart really in it? Be honest.
Look, waxing is not the worst thing, but it’s not for everybody. You gotta do you and be who you are and if your B doesn’t want to F with that, that’s his fucking P. Just understand that you have now thrown down the gauntlet. Your boyfriend knows you will under the right circumstances, even if those circumstances aren’t what he’s currently willing to live with. Don’t be surprised if one day he puts a hairless D into your HAP. Then what will you D? W that P?
This article appears in April 22 • 2022.
