Dear Luv Doc,
My husband and I are both busy professionals. Between work and other activities we spend a lot of time away from home. In July we moved from a small Downtown condo to a larger house in Rollingwood. This was my idea because I was getting claustrophobic in the condo. Why? Because my husband and I are terrible housekeepers. Neither of us do a lot of housework, but I do most of it, because if I don’t, it doesn’t get done at all. Also, I’ve suggested numerous times that we should get a housekeeper, but my husband is against it. It’s not because we can’t afford it. It’s because his mother always said it is shameful to have someone else clean up after you. He also doesn’t like the idea of a stranger in his house. I thought moving into a bigger house would mean more storage space and less clutter, but nothing really changed except the distance between the clutter. A few weeks ago I had some house cleaners come in while he was on a work trip. They did a great job. My husband noticed immediately when he got back and said I must have been really bored without him. Ha! I felt a little guilty about being dishonest, but the house really did look great for a while, then it went back to the normal clutter. He goes out of town at least once every two months, so I could just wait until he leaves to clean, but as much as I don’t want to fight about it, it feels dishonest. So … should I keep the peace? Or keep the house?
– The Fake Perfect Housewife
It sounds to me like you don’t have a house cleaning problem as much as you have a power dynamic issue in your relationship. It’s great that he shared his mother’s opinion about hiring cleaning people, but, to paraphrase The Dude from Big Lebowski, “That’s just like, her opinion, man.” The bottom line is – by your own admission – your husband doesn’t clean up after himself. If he isn’t ashamed of that then he certainly shouldn’t be ashamed of you hiring someone to do it for him. As a matter of fact, he should be leading the charge on that deal, since it sounds like he is responsible for most of the mess. Also, my guess is that the reason he doesn’t like the idea of strangers in his house is because it’s messy. Here’s the deal: Until Elon starts cranking out robot slaves at an affordable price (and let’s not get too hung up on the moral implications of robot slavery) an actual human being is going to have to do that work … unless you maybe plan on training a monkey, which is fucking ridiculous. We’ve all seen Planet of the Apes. They will burn it all down and go back to riding horses for transportation. Monkeys don’t give a fuck.
We’ve all seen Planet of the Apes. They will burn it all down and go back to riding horses for transportation.
The good news is that, instead of training a monkey, all you have to do is train your husband. I am assuming that since he is a busy professional, he is at least somewhat coachable. The first thing you need to coach him up about is that the only way that his mess is your problem is that you have to live in it. Cleaning it up is 100% his problem. Now, kudos to you for trying to solve his problem by purchasing what I can only imagine to be a million-dollar-plus home (which, TBH, is probably a goddamned steal in Rollingwood) to avoid paying a house cleaner $25-50 an hour to keep your Downtown condo spiffy. You did your part. You came up with a possible solution, albeit an exorbitantly expensive one. If nothing else, you’re probably going to earn some equity if you don’t turn it into an absolute pigsty … but … imagine if you had poured that $6,000 a month into housecleaning services. Not only would you still have a stunning Downtown high-rise view, you could probably eat sushi off your toilet seat. I bet your mother-in-law can’t do that, can she? Now who’s feeling ashamed?
Look, I am not saying dishonesty doesn’t have its allure, but it’s never a viable long-term solution, Eventually he is going to come home early from a business trip and catch you en flagrante with a threesome of highly efficient cleaning people … and then what? Well, mortification, obviously, but after that, you’re probably going to have some sort of huge row after which one of you is going to have to move back into what I can only assume will be a less-affordable Downtown condo than you recently vacated. The important thing you need to impress upon your husband is that you’re willing to help him clean up his fucking mess … by hiring a cleaning crew. How thoughtful – especially considering he could have already done that himself.
This article appears in November 8 • 2024.
