Luv Doc,
The woman who stole my husband and caused my divorce got transferred to my division. Now I have to see her in weekly meetings and I have to pass by her desk at least once a day, and every time I do I want to punch her in the face. She has also started eating her lunch in our break room. Now I have to eat at my desk. I have thought about asking my manager if I can be reassigned, but I don’t want her to win. What should I do?
– Angryallthetime
Here is what you should do: Access your un-crazy self. Take the bunnies out of the boiling pot and calm the fuck down. For starters, recognize the fact that this woman didn’t “steal your husband” or “cause your divorce.” Your marriage contract didn’t involve her at all. If you want to be mad at someone, be mad at your ex, although my guess is that you already have a raging bonfire of hate burning for him, too.
And what has all that hate gotten you? You’re eating lunch at your desk like a goddamned hermit and waging psychological warfare against an adversary who probably doesn’t even know she’s in the fight. In fact, my bet is that she took the transfer because she needs her job and is a responsible adult, not because she wants to insult you with the mere fact of her existence.
I know you probably think she walks past your desk every day and gives you that “I’m totally fucking your ex-husband” leer, but let’s be honest: Your ex-husband has pretty much proven he’s not much of a catch, right? My guess is that you’re better than him and if you aren’t, you have some work to do.
No, not constructing a voodoo doll, but rather, figuring out the real reasons for your anger and working toward empathy and compassion. That’s right, I just said the C word, and I know you probably want to punch me in the face for it, but if you really want to get rid of the hate that is eating you up inside and ruining your life, you are going to need to see your ex’s new squeeze as something other than the enemy. You’re going to need to see her as a flawed human being just like yourself. You know, the kind of girl who falls for a guy like your ex.
Here’s the bottom line: In order for you to win, you need to be OK with letting her win. You need to understand that another person’s happiness doesn’t negate your own. More than likely she did you a huge favor by taking your ex off your hands. It seems fairly obvious he wasn’t committed to you, and there is nothing you can do to change that. All you can do is change yourself. Yes, it’s easier to just hate, but I think you’re better than that.
This article appears in March 6 • 2015.
