Dear Luv Doc,
Me and my (live-in) boyfriend have been together nearly three years and we are still bad at communicating. I am always feeling like I am the only one putting in any effort into our relationship. I constantly have to ask him to help with cleaning, picking up clothes, cooking, etc. Anytime we go out, it’s always my idea. He never comes up with any ideas on his own. When I confronted him about this he got mad and said I need to tell him what I want to do because he can’t read my mind. He somehow manages to come up with things to do with his friends, though. I think the problem is he never really had to take care of anyone – not even himself. He has told me his mom did all the cooking, cleaning, and laundry. His parents paid his way through college and they still give him money to this day. He is 28. They also pay for his cellphone and car insurance. I am seriously getting so frustrated by his lack of effort that I am considering giving him an ultimatum that if he doesn’t change by the end of our lease, I am moving out, but I can’t imagine living without him. I get depressed even thinking about it. Can you help me get him to change?
– South Austin Sad Girl
Yes! I am positive I can help you! After reading your missive it seems abundantly clear your live-in boyfriend is undermotivated. I don’t want to waste a lot of time pointing fingers, but it seems clear that you have been unable to inspire him to become the person you would like him to be: a thoughtful, attentive fellow who works hard to earn your affection through acts of service and sincere attempts to foster intimate connection. Now, it might be that boyfriend lives inside of him somewhere, but you have heretofore been unable to bring him to the surface. So here’s my solution, which I admit is an easy one for me and a really hard one for you.
Forget the ultimatum. Acts of kindness or service performed under emotional duress are inevitably going to be suspect and likely temporary. Sure, you can tell him to get his shit together by the end of the lease, but then you’re going to have to sign another lease with this possibly bitter boyfriend you’ve basically forced to be someone he’s not, and eventually that guy is going to resurface and this cycle will repeat itself until you finally realize that, like the Dalai Lama says, true change comes from within. By the way, that aphorism is also credited to Eckhart Tolle, but since DEI has been systematically erased from an appalling number of American institutions over the past year by petulant, whiny, white conservative cucks, I am giving the nod to the cheerful Tibetan.
Sadly – and this is going to be a bit of a curveball – the change you seek, whether you know it or not, needs to come from within … you. To be specific: You have the opportunity to become the kind of person who doesn’t accept being taken for granted; who doesn’t allow herself to be manipulated; who doesn’t accept less than what she deserves; who doesn’t cling to the past simply because the future is uncertain. Yeah, I get it. You’ve grown fond of your boyfriend … or at least your hope of what your boyfriend might become … but you need to see your boyfriend as he is. I think it’s obvious you’re not OK with that, so it’s time to give yourself the chance to find someone who thinks you’re worth the effort … or better yet, for whom the effort is no effort at all.
To do that, you’re going to have to change. Will there be sadness? Youbetcha. Will it be prolonged? Most likely. Three years is a lot of memory to shake, but in the end, I feel confident that you will both end up better people for it, even if you never see him again.
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This article appears in June 5 • 2026.
