Dear Luv Doc,
As much as I don’t want to admit it, my boyfriend has become insufferable. It began when he started a new sales job in January. I get that to do sales you have to be confident, but his “confidence” is affecting our relationship as well as our friendships with other people. We both went to the same college and I had a higher GPA than he did, but he has always tried to insist that he had harder classes, which isn’t true. Now he says it like it’s fact. Also, I don’t remember him being like this before, but I keep catching him saying things like “those people are stupid” or “I don’t like hanging out with (our friends) because they’re not that smart.” I personally like our friends and think they’re smart, funny, and interesting, so when he says things like that, it really upsets me. Whenever he has an argument or disagreement with someone, instead of saying why he’s right, he says he’s smarter than they are so he doesn’t care what they say. Last weekend we were at a party at some friends’ house and I found him sitting alone on the back patio. I asked him if anything was wrong and he said, “I’m bored because I’m smarter than everyone at this party.” He said he wanted to go home and I told him to go ahead and leave if he was so miserable, and I Ubered home. I haven’t texted him since because I think his new job has made him insecure in a way he never used to be and I don’t quite know what to do. How do I tell him “You’re not that smart” without crushing his ego?
– Dumber Blonde
First of all, I think it’s important to point out that it’s not hard to be smarter than everyone else at a party – especially if it’s a really awesome party – like that time my cousin stole a canister of nitrous oxide from a dentist’s(?) office and decided to throw a huge huffing shindig in his apartment off Riverside. Now look, I know what you’re thinking, but it takes a really smart hombre to steal a medical-sized canister of nitrous oxide. The problem with nitrous is that your IQ falls precipitously shortly after you inhale that first balloon. You start running into walls, giggling uncontrollably, and generally acting like a complete idiot. Yes, the brain is an intricate, impressive piece of biology, but when you flood it with excess dopamine its cognitive abilities pretty much go to shit. So, a room full of 20 or 30 huffers has the IQ your average Trump voter. While that may sound flattering, it’s also depressing enough to send you out on the patio to contemplate your intellectual place in the world.
I have heard tell of certain cohorts of millennials who throw parties that don’t include any intoxicants whatsoever – sort of like a Methodist wedding reception.
But maybe your friends’ party didn’t have any nitrous oxide. I have heard tell of certain cohorts of millennials who throw parties that don’t include any intoxicants whatsoever – sort of like a Methodist wedding reception. I don’t know. Maybe we are evolving as a species, even though recent presidential elections argue strongly against that. It probably won’t come as a surprise to learn that the one consistent trait of people blessed with modest intelligence is an appalling lack of modesty. To put it simply: The more you know, the more you realize you don’t know. That’s not just me over here flapping jaws, it is a type of cognitive bias described in a well-known experiment done by Cornell social psychologists David Dunning and Justin Kruger. The Dunning-Kruger effect basically says the less intelligent and competent you are, the more likely you are to overestimate your intelligence and abilities. If that’s too much to juggle mentally, just think “Donald Trump” and you get the idea.
So basically, thinking you’re the smartest person in the room is the surest sign you’re probably not the smartest person in the room. Happily we are in agreement that your boyfriend is likely suffering from some recent, or perhaps heretofore dormant insecurities that could very well be mitigated by therapy. While I consider myself diplomatic (surest sign I’m not?), I don’t think I can suggest a gentle way to say “You ain’t that bright” that won’t have to be followed up with a lengthy, perhaps deeply insulting conversation. So I am going to suggest tough love: “Dude, you’re not that smart, and the fact that you think you are is even further evidence you’re not. That doesn’t mean you’re an idiot, it just means it wouldn’t hurt you to be inquisitive, curious, and attentive to the people you feel superior to. Everyone has something valuable to contribute. I think you should see a therapist about your insecurities. That way you have at least a 50% chance of being the smartest person in the room.”
Listen to The Luv Doc Podcast about this week’s Luv Doc column!This article appears in July 25 • 2025.
