Dear Luv Doc,
Please settle an argument. My wife likes the toilet paper to spool from the bottom. I prefer that it spools from the top. I know I am right, but she insists that we ask your opinion. So, which do you prefer?
– Gruntled and Disgruntled
Dear G&D, any day I get a chance to save a marriage is a good day. Let me personally thank you for giving my life meaning and purpose. As you surely know, marriage is not only a sacred covenant, it is the very cornerstone of civilization. Without it, all traditions, institutions, and morals would crumble and decay, and society would descend into chaos, depravity, and barbarism … maybe even cannibalism. Yeah, it would be that bad … so … you’re welcome.
OK, so let’s roll up our sleeves and get to work, shall we? First of all, you’re both wrong. Using toilet paper is wrong. You heard me Georgia-Pacific. The French have this thing all figured out. It’s called a bidet. It does a better job than the smear method, but it takes a little longer. Hey, what’s the hurry? You’re already in Austin.
Interestingly, modern toilet paper was invented by a New Yorker named Joseph Gayetty in 1857, just about the time America began a torrid romance with hydraulic mining. Apparently what’s good enough for mother nature isn’t good enough for her children. To be fair, nuggets of gold are probably worth the extra time. When it comes to anal hygiene, however, Americans clearly prefer the strip mining method – so much so that the amount of toilet paper Americans use each year could wrap around the globe 40 times. That’s a lot of skid marks, but at least we’re not draining our aquifers keeping our starfish squeaky clean.
Nonetheless, it probably wouldn’t kill us to use a little less of the roll when tidying up the hole. To that end, therefore, I am going to have to pronounce the over spool method superior to the under, mainly because the bottom spool method, in my humble opinion, seems to use more paper. OK, now go tell your wife that I took your side and see how that works out for you. Better yet, surprise her with a bidet.
This article appears in January 10 • 2014.
