Dear Luv Doc,
Before we were married, my wife had a “friends with benefits” relationship with a guy at her company. She told me about this relationship before we got married and said that it had ended when she started seeing me. The problem is they still work at the same company and still see each other regularly. She even talks to me about him sometimes, but no more than other co-workers, and it’s usually about the job or his family (he is married now, too). Even though I know we have a good marriage (6+ years), I can’t get the thought of him sleeping with her out of my head. I always feel like maybe she just married me because I am stable and reliable but would have rather had sex with him … or maybe she still is. How do I deal with this? – StableGuy
This one is easy StableGuy: You deal with it by seeing a therapist. It might be costly, I know, but it sounds to me like the little hamster wheel of paranoia in your head is spinning out of control. You need to put a paw into the sawdust and slow that shit down or you will end up in Crazytown. You don’t want to live there. The roofs are all made of tinfoil, there are bars on every window, and the only television channel is Fox News. It’s a really safe place, but no one ever sleeps and they’re all losing their hair. Everyone looks like Chris Elliott at the end of There’s Something About Mary. If you haven’t seen that movie, why do you hate America?
Don’t answer that. Save it for the therapist. If you’re too chintzy to pop for a therapist, here’s my two cents … well, actually it’s two cents I borrowed from Darryl Philbin, the warehouse manager from The Office. StableGuy, you need to access your uncrazy side. You need to reintroduce yourself to the guy who married your wife because he recognized the past was the past and people change. He knew that just because someone does something (or someone) once, or several, or even hundreds of times – on YouTube – doesn’t mean they will continue to do it for all eternity – especially when you have no compelling evidence to the contrary.
You yourself say that you have a good marriage. Your wife’s past behavior isn’t going to ruin that marriage. What will ruin that marriage is that little hamster wheel. You think you’re going somewhere but you’re really not. You’re just wasting a lot of energy – energy that would be much better spent actually doing something – like fucking your wife, for instance, instead of imagining that someone else is.
Here’s the deal: We all labor under the illusion that our thoughts are reality. They’re not. Our thoughts are our interpretation of reality. So, whenever your thoughts start spinning off into paranoid fantasyland, remember to pause and take note of what is actually happening around you. Better yet, memorize the old Alcoholics Anonymous prayer: Lord, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. I suggest you seek that wisdom outside of your own head.
This article appears in December 11 • 2015.
